Updates!

I think it is high time to give you all a general update on some things I've mentioned here on the blog.

Quaker Youth Book Project: We are currently working on the cover art and looking through the final manuscript before it goes to print to be officially released in late April of this year. These last two weeks, we have been discussing these things and making our final decisions. We are excited to hold the book in our hands and to see it distributed. To release the book, we are meeting in Richmond, Indiana for the Quakers United in Publishing Writer's Conference which we all get to attend at the end of April. At that conference, I am leading a workshop, "Writing as Prayer" which I am thrilled about. It is something I asked if I could do and the committee approved my proposal. (Insert happy dancing.) This is a topic close to the beat of my heart and I am looking forward to sharing something with others that means so much to me. I've also been invited to be on a panel during one of the evening sessions on blogging and that too, is exciting to me. Both of these public ministries are in addition to the panel made up of our editorial board during another evening session. Following that panel, Angelina tells us will be a BIG party. It will be a fun trip and I am really excited to bring a copy of the book home with me.

Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference: While I haven't mentioned this conference yet, (I will be), it is now fully on my radar screen as I have given my official yes to serve as volunteer coordinator and more importantly to me, to speak along with Sarah Peterson and Ashley Wilcox on spiritual friendship. Within this topic, a different part resonates with each of us more deeply so we are "passing the mike" during our talk. When Ashley first asked me to speak on spiritual friendship, my heart went right to spiritual direction, a relationship I have found to be particularly powerful both as a director and as a directee.

Kenya Photos: My favorite photos from Kenya are now in albums to make it easier for me to look at them and share my experience with others. If you would like to see them, let me know and we can get together for coffee or something along those lines!

Richmond's Read Posters: I posted my favorite poster that I made before I left for Kenya. This has been a project I have been working on for my favorite library and elementary school, creating posters of all their staff reading books. I have learned an immense amount about photoshop through working on this project and while I am indeed ready to see the posters hanging in the halls, it has been a lot of fun and right up my creative alley. There are over 40 posters in all and we are getting close to being done. When we are finished and I save them all in the JPG format for the printer, I will post some of my favorites on here for your enjoyment (and my own!). A side benefit of this project is I now know every staff member's face and they know mine. Often, when I'm not subbing, you can find me there in the library volunteering my heart out. With all the schools I go to and the different jobs I do, it has made a world of difference to me to have one school with staff who greet me by name when I walk in the door and considers me a part of the team. It has been one of the many examples of the lesson that life holds many surprises along our journey, some absolutely delightful and a blessed gift.

U-Turn Challenge: I've mentioned the U-Turn Challenge at First Tech Credit Union several times. The challenge is finished, the data is turned in, but they haven't announced the winners yet. I'm looking forward to hearing about it when it happens. By the way, because of what I've heard about First Tech, I opened an account and they have been wonderful to work with. For those in Oregon and Washington, I would highly recommend them.

If you have any other questions on things I've posted, or haven't posted as the case may be, leave a comment and I will answer them!

Let Freedom Ring: A Day to Remember Part 2

The moon is so beautiful tonight. It's full and white with clouds passing by, occasionally reflecting that elusive rainbow ring of light around its orb. It looks on me from above, a friendly face in the night sky. The house is quiet tonight. Allie is at work and I am siting here in the dark, my yellow and blue quilt I made wrapped around me with the tea kettle on the stove. It's late, but I am in a thoughtful mood.

Driving home this afternoon from Deanna's, I thought more about what freedom means to me and what it looks like in my life. Years ago, when I first started spiritual direction, I had a belief that I was walking the narrow path and that if I moved away from it, I would break my relationship with God and be punished. God was in the right and I would be in the wrong. In some ways, it was all very black and white to me. My terror in crossing God's limits was disabling to say the least. One session I remember in particular, I was really frustrated about life and I exclaimed, "I wish it was all just black and white!" Adria took a good look at me and responded, "Sarah! Look around you! The world is full of color!" I will never forget that because that is what freedom is to me.

Life, and our spiritual journey, is not a narrow path through the woods where we will get eaten up by the wolf if we leave. No, life is open countryside with no path whatsoever. We are free to explore to our heart's delight. When this idea was first beginning to dawn on me, it terrified me. I still held onto the idea of limits and the punishment of crossing them. I was scaring myself with the journey I was taking, it was far beyond anything I had been brought up with and I thought I had crossed into heresy long ago. At that point, Adria asked me how I thought it would make her feel if when her son was young, she had filled a room with wonderful toys but instead of exploring them, her son just huddled in the corner afraid to move. I realized that no matter where I went, God had me in His view. I couldn't explore anywhere where He wasn't already. And, if I did go too far, which I can't see happening, He would be there to bring me back. But that isn't a worry of mine in the least. I know God in the core of my being and I can't separate from that. The only way I could ever go too far would be to go out of His hand and since I've already experienced God holding onto me when I couldn't even hold onto myself let alone Him, there is no problem.

You see, I know I can explore to my heart's content for the only one who can tell me to stop, never will. I know my value is already intrinsically there, always has, it's been exploding like fireworks from inside me since before I was born so no judgement of anyone is going to take that away. I am free, truly free. I think that is what God wants to give all of us. Real freedom. As I said in part 1, freedom is not being afraid, it's exploring, loving without limits, taking care of myself without guilt, having boundaries, and being myself with no apologies. And I'm still working on all of this, but, wow! Freedom feels good! There is responsibility too, of course. Freedom to love is caring for myself and others, respecting myself and others. But since I already know who I am and am not afraid of losing that or caught up in the hopeless cycle of defining my worth by what I do, I am free to help others with what they need when I can give it. I love the idea that my life has benefited more people than just myself. If I cannot give it away, what has my life really been for? It's hard to explain but it's the one thing that when you truly have it, you just want to give it away! Life and love are like a spring, I give it away and it just keeps flowing into and out of me. That is freedom at work in a life. It's freedom worth fighting for, seeking out, taking the journey to find.

A life that is free can only be found by letting go of limits that don't exist, knowing God has a hold on you wherever you go, and when you've found your life and nourish that life inside you, start giving it away to those with whom God has gifted you. Freedom, in the end, is how you live the journey.

Thank you, Adria, for giving me that legacy.

365-09 #186 (Part 3 tomorrow.)

I Remember

On our drive out into the country tonight, my friend and I took one of my favorite roads. I love it not because it's beautiful, though it is, but because of the spirit and aura it holds for me. My spiritual director I had for many years lives on that road and on the occasions I drive on it, I am aware of that deeper real that goes past simple sight and hearing. I believe places can hold things we cannot see and this place holds that for me. Driving along part of the road, I feel I am leaving the shallow world behind me and entering a deeper world I always felt welcomed into. Then, on another part of the road, I feel more myself than I feel anywhere else. After our times together, I usually took a drive through the country to think about things we had talked about, verbally or not, and let myself sit with the depths we had explored. On that part of the road, I felt like my soul had just been cleansed. It wasn't always a light feeling, sometimes it was really hard, but usually, I felt more accepted and at peace with myself and who I was and utterly loved than anywhere or at anytime else. It was as if I felt lost and then someone walked with me for a time and said, "You are not lost. You are exactly where you belong. You are in the precise and right place and time you are meant to be in." When I was afraid I'd crossed a line, I was told there aren't any lines. When I was afraid I'd gone too far, I was told to keep going. When I thought I was in trouble, I was told I am free. Her voice and these truths are with me wherever I go. They are a gift of value beyond naming. But when I drive that road, I sink into them and I remember.

365-09 #176

How are you, really?

I almost gave myself a night off with the promise of catching up tomorrow afternoon but decided to go ahead and post instead. After all, I won't get a lot of sleep as I am supposed to be up at the seminary at 9:30 in the morning. No, I am not auditing another class, that will be in the fall. I am attending the George Fox Evangelical Seminary / Western Evangelical Seminary reunion. For the 61 years they have existed, they have never held a reunion so I am really looking forward to this one.

As I am one of the more recent graduates, I am hoping there will be a lot of people I know. And I need to remember to bring MaryKate's book that I ordered from a bookseller so I can have her sign it. I think that book is going to be going on the plane with me to Milwaukee. But for now, I am really looking forward to spending time with people and in a place that speaks to a depth of my soul that I have neglected for far too long. It will be nice to be reminded it's there and to talk with others about it. It's like the question my friends who are fellow spiritual directors ask me, "How are you, really?" When they ask like that, the question seems to go beyond polite conversation and I give them a frank and real answer because I know they actually really want to hear how I'm really doing. I love people who listen and I love being that person who listens for others.

365-09 #135

Making the Choice on Pain: Part 2

Today at Richmond, I was working on the inventory while Adria was showing her classes a video about the book fair. One of the lines in the video is, "Sometimes you have to step into the darkness to see the light." I really liked that quote as it is exactly one of the things Adria taught me in our time of spiritual direction. By the time I met Adria, I was already in the dark night and clinging to a stump in the storm. Eventually, she convinced me to let go of the stump and let the storm tossed sea throw me where it will. I was terrified to do it, the pain looked so overwhelming to me that I couldn't bear to turn my head into it much less go through it. But then during one of our sessions, I saw the pain in me on her face and it brought me to tears without a single word. I had been so stubborn up to the point, still guarding my defenses but that day, really feeling and seeing the pain for the first time, I just had to let go. Weeks later, I remember being utterly lost in the blackness when she passionately assured me, "There is a thread of hope in the darkness!" I choked back, "I can't see it!" and she informed me, "I will hold it for you. Don't let go!"

Four years later I can tell you that turning around and facing into the pain was one of the very hardest things I have ever done. It feels utterly overwhelming, like it will never end. When Adria and I were talking about entering what I called, "the black water", I claimed it would never end, that once I let the black water go over my head, I would never return. It felt like death to me. But she made sure I heard there was life on the other side and though nearly all my feelings said it was all darkness, I trusted her. I am glad I did. I am glad I let go of the shore of safety and let the water go over my head. And I was right, it was very much like dying. I felt like God brought me one inch away from emotional death and then brought me back to life. But listen friends, listen. It was worth it!!! The life I have now, what I feel and think, my belief in the importance of joy and hope, is because I walked in the pain and like a purifying fire, it cleansed me. I laugh again with my whole heart, I love because I let pain make the room. And I have joy because sorrow left carved spaces where the black water used to be.

When I left the library yesterday, Adria thanked me for the work I did. But in truth, she already had. Helping was more my thank you to her.

365-09 #127

Wait For Me

Spending three days at the Richmond Elementary library was a gift from God to me. I have been so busy lately over my head in projects that I have taken no time whatsoever to sit with God. Of course there is the time at church but meeting is rarely when I go deep. And not that I went deep at Richmond either, but it was a time to slow down, take a deep breath, and regain some perspective. The friend I was helping is someone who has been to those deep places with me repeatedly, someone who's voice was steady when mine was screaming, who helped me find the strength in myself when I couldn't see anything to hold on to. It was a fun and calming time to help her and to hear how she's doing. I didn't realize it at the time but with the editorial board meeting starting this week, I needed that calm sky, that time to just lay back on the hill and gaze up at the stars. I needed to know they are there.

At the same time, I have been driving the rental car until mine gets fixed and it has a CD player. Having recently come across some particular CD's of mine, I put them in my bag to listen to in the car. Two of the CD's are talks by William P. Young, author of "The Shack". If you haven't read it, I can't recommend this book enough. It's one of my favorites. Being a Portland author, I've heard him speak and I learned a lot. These talks, though I did not hear them in person have deeply moved me. On one CD is the question and answer time, on the other is him telling his story, the story of metaphorically going through his own shack. Paul, as he is more commonly known, knows what it is like to be on your knees utterly naked before God and utterly dependent no matter what his reaction is because you know you have got no place else to go. He knows what it's like to have nothing left inside, to struggle though that, and then to find life on the other side.

Hearing him talk about his experiences dropped me right back into my own as if I had just been pushed over a cliff into the deep waters of the sea. But this time, though the ocean closes in over my head, it's a welcome sensation, a familiar place that to me, has become so much truer than anything else I know. It's like hearing music, the melody of my heartbeat, the drum beat marking my steps, the life-force within me I had let go of along the way. And now I want to shout, "I'm coming! I'm coming home! Wait for me. I'll be there. Keep the light on for me, I'm on my way Papa!" It's like placing my hand on the door and having Papa burst through shouting my name.

365-09 #103

A Turn of Events

I really wish I had better news to share with you tonight. Perhaps it is good news but I don't fully see that right now. Most of what I see is a bad economy and me, really in need of a job. This afternoon I went to my manager to give her a project I had done for her when another manager came in and shut the door. They told me they were releasing me from trial service as of today. (Every state worker hired is on six months of trial service. I already had four months behind me.) My manager said I had done a good job, that it wasn't the quality of my work, that she even wanted to keep me, but they were letting me go. They both told me they will give me a glowing recommendation and there is another manager there I worked under who has already told me he would as well. I managed to talk to her very calmly, collect my things and make it out of the office without tears. I walked through the capital grounds in the hail straight to my friend's tattoo studio downtown where I knew I would know the comfort of a friend and hear wise counsel. Megan saw me first, (I know all the staff), and knew immediately something was wrong. I managed to tell her through my tears what had happened and she gave me a big hug. When Emily was finished piercing a client, she sat on the floor with me behind the counter and we talked for quite a while. Well, she talked, I pretty much listened. She told me to take this time to really look at what I want to do for a career, to find a way to use my many talents for income. She said, and I agree, that this is the universe yelling at me as I wasn't heeding the whispers to follow what I know I am called to do. It felt so good to hear someone say it wasn't me, that I am very valuable and have a lot to offer. She said in six months, I will look back on this day and see it as a good move in my life.

So now I'm doing those things I know I need to do, like put my school loans in deferment, that kind of stuff. One of the things I really like about myself is that even in crisis, I keep a cool head, know exactly what needs to be done and I do it. What I am not looking forward to is telling my family, mostly my parents who were so happy I had a job in this economy. But I did say on facebook I lost my job and am counting on the family gossip line to soften me having to give the news and I want to be honest with what I'm going through with my friends and not hide it. So here I am, being honest and open with my pain in writing, ironically what makes me so successful as an author. I am going to enjoy the simplicity of this Christmas and my beautiful tree and I'll figure things out from there.

I have decided to pick up my spiritual direction practice again after having laid it down for a time. I have really missed doing it and I know a pastor who is interested in referring people to me. Two months ago I was officially certified as a director, a special moment for me when I received my certificate after so many years of study, hard work, and putting in the supervision hours, and I am looking forward to walking with people once again on their spiritual journeys.

Thank you so much friends for your encouragement and love I know is there. I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to let you know.

(If by chance, you have a job opening, let me know and I'll send you my resume. ) :0)