Walking the Sea

Walking the Sea: February 2009

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Today was a perfectly lovely day. Both Katie and I woke up without alarms and then we got to just hang out at home until our evening activities. This is a rare occurrence, that neither of us had anywhere to go for nearly the whole day. I loved it. We both read, worked on our computers, and went through some of our stuff. I cleaned out my fabric storage so I have a large pile of fabric I want to give away sitting in front of my hope chest. Katie sat in the chair asking me, "Are you really going to use that?"

While she went off to her Jane Austen group, I continued working on my photography page for my website. I will let you all know when it is published to the Internet. Since I have my photography advertisement in the "Seussical the Musical" program at the Pentacle Theatre which opens this Friday, the website needs to be up before I leave. Tomorrow is another day that will be computer oriented.

Tonight though, I went to go see "Slumdog Millionaire" at the Salem Cinema, a small theatre showing independent films. I really enjoyed the story, the color, the music, everything. It is a fantastic movie. I highly recommend it. As I was waiting for the restroom after the movie, a woman I knew from the First Presbyterian Church recognized me not only from the church, but from the play as well. She told me what a fantastic play she thought it was, the best one she's seen at the Pentacle, and how she was so surprised at my character when I came on stage. The girl she knew from the church and the woman she saw on stage were two very different people. Goal reached. As a side note, Katie's boyfriend has commented at least twice now in amazement I really am not the person he knew in college. He's right, I'm not, and I'm very glad I've grown in the ways I have since then.

As I did all these things today, one thing stayed constant. I had this feeling starting this morning of deep peace and contentment as I laid in God's arms. The feeling and image never left.

365-09 #59

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Friday, February 27, 2009

Getting Old

Tonight I accompanied Katie to a pastor's appreciation dinner hosted by her young adult group at church. The dinner was delicious and afterward we played cards, at least our table did. One of the men at the table suggested going to the beach afterwards. No, not suggested, cajoled. He pleaded and teased to get people to go. A few actually did decide to head over, (about an hour away for those who don't live in Oregon), and weren't planning on being back until 3 am. I had initially given a maybe response but already being tired, I changed it to no around 10:45 pm. They gave me such a hard time, assuming I had just said yes. At this point I turned to Katie and begged her to show me another way out of the church so I wouldn't have to walk past them. (They'd been trying to get me to go for an hour by now.) Katie refused. (But don't worry, I'm putting spiders in her room later. She says I'm EVIL! for saying this.) The truth is, and I can tell you the truth because no one besides Katie reads this blog from that group, is that it was the first time I had met those guys and the girl going along was quite a bit younger than I. All of them are trustworthy folk and I have no doubt I would have been safe but besides the fact I would have frozen to death in the frigid sea spray of the Oregon coast at midnight, they were going to get coffee on their way out of town which for me, would have neccesitated a bathroom stop somewhere on the way, or even on the beach. Considering my new aquaintanceship with them and the prospect of a warm bed at home, (as well as a bathroom versus a hole in the sand,) I stuck to my decision and said no. Now, let me tell you when I was in college, I remember leaving for the beach at 9:30 at night and it wasn't a problem. We built a fire and had a great time. (They were going to build a fire tonight too.) But tonight, it just wasn't as appealing to me as it was eleven years ago. The late night drive, the cold, not having any friends of my own, (even though I think I ought to make more friends as mine keep moving away), even the picture of falling asleep by a bonfire wasn't appealing enough. I am officially getting old.

365-09 #58


Thursday, February 26, 2009


I'm on the tired side tonight which is exactly how I want it. In preparation for my trip to the East coast, I have been trying to shift my time schedule now so I'm more used to it when I get there. This morning I woke up to snow falling. It was so beautiful. I have a lot on my mind but not a lot to say tonight so I will leave you with a photo or two. These are taken where I sometimes go to breathe. Enjoy.

365-09 #57

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Lesson Learned (We Hope)

This morning I was in a classroom at a junior high in Keizer when I had to laugh at God's creative way of teaching. I was there for a student but it seemed the teacher was there for me. Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about how much to charge her for a project I completed. She's a friend and I really don't know how much to charge for people for sewing and both those facts made it difficult to decide on a price. We did figure it out but quite truthfully, it was hard. Coming home in the evening, I remembered the words of my friend, Emily, and they rang ever truer how I need to learn to charge people for things like this that I'm good at. So what was the topic this morning in class? Being assertive and asking honestly for what you want. If Emily reads this, she will be laughing by now. I sure was inside when the teacher presented the discussion. It was a good lesson learned.

365-09 #56

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cleaning the Fridge. Woohee!

Yesterday I cleaned out the refrigerator. In our house, this is quite the project though I will tell you, it was surprisingly not as gross as it usually is. At least I am pretty sure it wasn't because I don't actually remember the last time I cleaned it. I didn't even gag. There was that one container with unidentifiable contents but I won't talk further about that, save your breakfast. What fascinates me and brings me to post about my less than stellar house cleaning habits, is the idea of how nice it would be if cleaning my heart and life was as easy as cleaning out that fridge. I am so happy with the results, I now enjoy going by the fridge and opening it just to see inside, something only the brave would have done before. But now it is so spacious and clean with only items of good nutritional value within instead of scientific experiments waiting to be documented. Was that really the expiration date? How much mold really can grow on leftovers? Luckily, these were not questions I was intrigued enough to answer. But now the fridge is clean, I am finishing "The Four Agreements" and wondering how those agreements would work as cleaners in my life? How much crap is in my life of little use just waiting to be thrown out, to make space for something far better? How much in my life is no longer good for me? How many emotions, activities I engage in, and thoughts I have need to see a broom and dust bin instead of the light of day? What in my life is worth keeping? What is worth cleaning off with a wet rag and restoring to its place? And if I did engage in spring cleaning, would I want to go to my life, open it up, and just enjoy the sight? Would God?

365-09 #55

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Monday, February 23, 2009

Savannah, Georgia

I spent part of my day researching things to do in Savannah, Georgia as next Thursday I will be flying there. Since I only have a day to spend in the city before heading up to the conference in South Carolina, I want to make sure I make the most of my time and see as much as I can. I am thinking of one of the ghost tours on Thursday night, then a regular trolley tour in the morning followed by a lunch flowing with southern food served family style, an awe-inspiring visit to the cathedral, perhaps a house tour, and then a souvenir shop. Some basic research I have found can yield some amazing results. Oh yes, and I really want to see Forsyth Park. I am really excited to see this part of the world, it will be fun and beautiful, exciting and self-confidence building. You would think having already gotten myself through foreign countries on my own, around Savannah will be no problem and I'm sure it won't be, but it will still be a self-confidence builder I am sure. And yes, I will be taking LOTS and LOTS of pictures!

365-09 #54


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Someone Watching Over Me

Katie and I sprang $2.50 each for pizza tonight. My friend asked on facebook if we have similar pizza topping preferences. I replied that we both like cheap pizza, so yes, our preferences are similar. We have spent the evening watching a movie and hanging out on our laptops. Katie has been working on e-mail and "cruising", I'm working on a pillow for my friend with pictures on fabric. It's one she hired me to make and I think it will look neat when I'm done, though, I will admit, as soon as I left her and the fabric store, I called my quilting teacher and friend for help. Usually I have little to no problem handling such projects on my own but with the cording, something I haven't tackled before, I thought the advice of one wiser than I would come in most handy. When the tough get going, the tough call Marjorie.

Did I ever tell you I draw stick figures? They are my therapy, kind of like poetry. They express things in images that might be difficult to put into words. I have a whole collage of them by my desk doing different things. They ice skate, hold hands, read, give presents, dance, pray, hold the Torah, climb trees, fall down, draw, receive oxygen, and all manner of things. One is even a story told in three progressive pictures. The first figure is holding a high stack of boxes, the second has been crushed by a rock and the boxes are strewn everywhere, the third is crying while trying to get up. I was in a dark place when I drew that one and it's one of my favorites. I still draw them when I need to, they have become like little friends who keep me company as I type.

Someone who keeps up with this blog has asked about employment since I haven't mentioned it lately. I am doing classified substituting with the school district right now. This includes things like classroom aid, special education, office, and library work. It doesn't help my income level since unemployment takes out of its check what I earn, but it blesses my hands with work and extends the time I can claim. God has amazed me with the work he's given. Thursday I was in classrooms at a high school and Friday I was in the office at a Middle School. As I am still congested in my chest, I was very grateful for these assignments. I like elementary but it nearly always means recess duty in the cold. God takes care of us and I am so grateful he does. I am still looking though, for permanent, full time work. There were three siblings in my family out of work at one time, my brothers have work, so I have been told it's my turn now. Hear that God? It's my turn.

Have a great start to your week!

365-09 #53

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

*Hugs* Madi and Gabee!

Tonight I needed to do something completely for MYSELF, something FUN!!! Something that did not involve baking, or the computer, or sewing, or any of that stuff. Something that was purely for ME, that I would enjoy. So I made a well-placed phone call, changed into a nice dress and high heels which I can now walk in with no problem whatsoever, and drove myself downtown to the Salem Repertory Theatre to see Rabbit Hole. It was a very thought provoking play and superbly acted. It is just the kind of high quality theatre I have come to look forward to from this troupe. They truly are my favorite. (And Tricia was amazing and awesome!) The play left me wanting to go hug my nieces. *Hugs* Madi and Gabee!

365-09 #52

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Friday, February 20, 2009

The Four Agreements

My friend, Stacey, recommended I read the book, "The Four Agreements". So yesterday on my way home I stopped for a visit at the library to check out a copy. I am really going to like this book, I already do. It sees things from a perspective I was learning to see from by the end of my seminary studies. Very simply put, we are all made of light and there is much, much more around us, and a much different reality than we dream of in this world. The four agreements are four things to shape your life by, ancient teachings. I'm still on the first agreement but it has made me really think about the things I say and the effects my words have on myself and others, like the casting and breaking of spells. Don't you just love books that alter the way you look at the world and give you language for things you've known deep inside but couldn't yet express? I sure do.

365-09 #51

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Thursday, February 19, 2009

Civil War Reenactment

I'm quite exhausted tonight so this is going to be a photo post. This is from a Civil War Reenactment I attended last 4th of July. That was an INCREDIBLE day for photography. I have a huge folder of fantastic pictures.

365-09 #50

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I'm on my forth bottle of water. Lisa wanted me to drink that many to flush the toxins out after my massage this afternoon. Words fail to describe how good that felt. I always thought massages were one of those things that just felt good but I have been carrying so much stress and tension in my body that today she dug into the deep tissue and loosened all those muscles up. It was heaven. I also got to spend several hours with her 14 month old daughter in the morning, almost just as therapeutic to get to play with her and laugh together. Though, I think one of my favorite moments was laying on the couch together reading. She is a sweetheart.

After the massage, Lisa and I talked about church and spirituality. It felt good to discuss some things I've been thinking about and to get insight into the road I'm travelling which was much appreciated. A morning like that in the country was just what I needed. Whether it's massage or something else, I highly recommend finding some way to release the tension inside of you.

On two other notes, I took rehearsal photos of the next Pentacle production, "Seussical". They have a cast of over 30, the majority of them kids. I took nearly all of their headshots on Monday night. That show is quite an undertaking but the director is especially gifted for the task. I like being a photographer. The other note is I watched my scene from the play on DVD and have decided I was as sexy and as good as people said I was. Damn.

365-09 #49

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Two of the Greatet Gifts

Today I tried every remedy I could think of to get rid of this congestion. Still trying actually but it has definitely improved. Tap dancing for an hour of course made it hard to breathe without coughing but Stacey says exercise helps a cold by getting the blood flowing. Now later on, I can breathe easier but I can still feel a deep rattling. I just want this to GO AWAY! It seems whenever I get a cold, it goes to my lungs and I get congested for weeks. Why? Usually, I let whatever it is run it's course and keep doing what I do. This time, I've been spending lots of time resting on the couch watching DVD's of past Pentacle productions and trying all those remedies. Hopefully, this will cut down on my quality time with Menthalatum and zinc cough drops.

There is something else on my mind tonight, besides kleenexes and tea. I am realizing that in addition to God, we have two great gifts in our lives: who we are and who our friends are. No matter where we are at in our lives, whatever we've lost or gained, wherever our emotional, physical, or spiritual reserves are at, these things hold true if we hold true to them.

I've had people dislike me for who I am and others who have appreciated it. One thing I have noticed though, is the people who dislike me usually have deep rivers of darkness in their own lives of their own making and are not necessarily people I want to have like me anyway. In fact, I've learned to look at it in a rather affirming way for the darkness runs from the light and I pray that light is a quality that characterizes my life. Then there are the people who dislike me at first for one reason or another and then change their minds on closer aquaintance by watching how I treat other people. Then there are people like the one I met today while subbing. Having never met each other, we had been talking for a while before he asked about my education. I told him I had a Master's degree from George Fox University and even later, he asked what the degree was in and I answered, "Christian Ministry". He was impressed I hadn't pronounced myself a Christian from the get-go and try to convert him. He told me he has met many Christians who were not kind but who we're in your face about what they believed. He said I had a calm quality about me and he respected me for being me and not putting first who I wanted him to be. Him being an agnostic but raised in the church as he then shared with me, we traded book titles to read. I suggested "The Shack", one of my favorites for the images of God, (yes, I went out an evangelistic twig on that one) and he suggested I read Barack Obama's book, now in paperback. I doubt I will ever meet this man again but I was deeply touched to know that just by being myself, this man was intrigued and the God-seed already in him got a little bit of water. That wasn't my intention, and in fact, I don't go around concentrating on telling people about God, God is already in them and if anything, I just want to see him more in myself. But talking to this man and hearing his feedback taught me that no matter who we meet, who we are is going to speak more loudly than anything else we can say. And again, if we work on our character so others will be "converted", your character I beleive, will be shallow for it is rooted in nothing more than your belief that you are right and others are wrong: judgement. However, if character comes out of a relationship with God, where you and God listen and talk to each other, your character will be built on something nourishing and life giving and who you are will be nuturing and life-giving for others as a result. God cares deeply about our character and after my experiences of late, I have a better understanding of why. Just by being ourselves can affect the world in a profound way for good or ill without us ever knowing.

Following closely upon character, is that good character attracts us to other people with good character with whom to form strong bonds of friendship and love. Through thick and thin, the relationships we've nourished will sustain us in turn. I have struggled in my own life with the need of giving in return what has been given to me. But what I have learned is that relationships are not tit for tat, relationships are giving without expecting an equal return. Of course we should have good boundaries and not let people walk all over us and hurt us, but we need to give in our friendships, not as I-give-you-this, you-give-me-that arrows, but as a circle, that in a relationship where both love and esteem each other, love flows all around. Tonight my roommate (and friend), fixed dinner for herself, her boyfriend, and me. We sat around the table, passed the food around, and chatted about our time in college. This may seem like a little thing to you, but to me who seldom has an opportunity to share a meal with others around a table, actally sitting down together, it was a gigantic warm fuzzy. Katie has even taken on the bulk of the cleaning while I've been sick. The friendship we share has been a huge support during these last few months and I am grateful. Then later on in the evening, I got to go out for chai tea with a friend when we shared with each other some of the struggles going on in our lives, including a difficult question affecting us both I have been wrestling with. Though I have to let it remain a hard question and not answer it right now, I know she supports me as I ask it, no matter the difficulties my choice might result in. But knowing I've talked about it with her somehow lightens the load. It's been weighing on me and I'm glad our friendship is strong and one in which there is, in the truest sense, no beginning or end, that our characters are such that love is given first.

So now as I go off to brush my teeth and get a few hours sleep before my early morning alarm, I just want to thank God for caring so deeply about my character and relationships above all materialistic things. I'm certainly not "there" in the character department, "there" doesn't exist anyway, it's all a journey. But I ache with gratefulness I am taking the journey. And I'm grateful that by being on this journey, I have formed strong bonds with others where love is not given but lived. No matter what happens, what valleys or mountains I traverse, I know these gifts will sustain me and help me find sure footing. Thank you God for knowing what's best and pouring it out on me.

365-09 #48

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Monday, February 16, 2009

In the Midst of Illness

Tonight I took a break from the couch by taking my camera to the theatre rehearsal halls downtown to take 30 head shots of the cast of Seussical. By the time I was finished, I had actually taken about 200 pictures as each actor got to choose which one they wanted in the program. Randy, the Managing Director for the theatre, was holding one of the lights and we had a line of people waiting their turn. I never felt so much like a professional photographer as I did tonight. Soon I'll be going to the theatre to take some pictures of them in rehearsal. For those of you who don't know, I'm now doing the photography for the Pentacle Theatre. It's a volunteer gig but I'm enjoying it and I get an add for photography in the Seussical program.

As I've been sick, at times I have felt Jesus by my side holding my hand and just being being beside me while I'm coughing or lying on the couch. It's at times like this when I don't feel up to doing a lot I feel his love the most. Knowing he loves me as much as he ever does when I am lying still, gives me great peace. If he loves me in times like this, how great his love must be! Knowing I have that love no matter what will come, either from within or without, knowing he is there beside me through thick and thin, deepens my trust in him to the level of bedrock. I don't have to "perform" or be perfect. I can just be myself and be free. I am loved.

365-09 #47

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Not Sick of My Company

By the end of the show, several of the cast members we're sick, including me. This morning I made it to church with my friend, Deanna, who came to see the show, but I wasn't feeling well. She then met me back at my apartment where I was already changed into pajamas and laid out on the couch. She stayed with me and kept me company. She made me lunch and boiled tea, rented a movie, and sat with me to watch it. Katie came home and made dinner for us and now Deanna is in the kitchen baking. I greatly dislike not feeling well but having friends to hang out with at home while I'm coughing isn't that bad.

365-09 #46


Closing Night

Closing night was fantastic! I have mixed feelings about it. I am sad I won't get to spend so much time with my fellow cast members. After spending three months together, it will be an adjustment. However, it will also be nice to have my evenings free to do other things. My friend Tricia Ferguson is starring in "Rabbit Hole" at the Salem Repritory Theatre and I can hardly wait to see it. She is the best actress I've seen so anything she's in will be great. It was a great last show and several people came to see me in it. It is something I have been delighted to be a part of and plan on doing another show sometime. The acting bug has bit me and I doubt it's letting me go anytime soon.

365-09 #45

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Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Day Poetry Reading

This post is in two parts, before and after:

BEFORE: A woman I worked with years ago called me several weeks ago asking if I would come do a Valentine's celebration poetry reading at the residential care facility where she works. I said I would be glad to and have been sitting at my desk this afternoon making my poetic selections from my second book and some unpublished material I would like to try out. Looking at the poems reminds me how much I love writing poetry and how much can be expressed, deeply, potently. My entire self has been crying out these last few months to write poetry again, I have been preoccupied with other things. But it's getting to the point if I don't write, I am going to implode. So today, I am really excited to have the opportunity to share my passion and my love for loving God through words with those whom I am sure will enjoy it. It's at these times I feel like yes, this is what I'm born to do, this is what I LOVE doing. This is what I need to be investing myself in. Perhaps this will be that final push over the edge into a writing storm.

AFTER: The reading was okay. I was right that it tapped my enthusiasm for writing poetry but the audience was either really loud or really quiet. They clapped at the end but I wasn't sure what they thought of me. I definately learned a few things though. When the show is over and I get back on a regular sleeping schedule, I am going to check out other poetry readings to see how authors handle it.

Tonight's show went really well, even with several sick cast members. (Me included.) A few of us have colds but we're glad they set in at the tail end of our time together. I'm getting really comfortable in my part and enjoy it thoroughly. I think the audience does too. Twice in my first scene, I give the waiter dirtly looks. During curtain call the actor who plays him and I have developed a habit of smiling at each other before we bow. It's a nice moment both of us enjoy.

365-09 #44

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Thoughts in the Dark

In the play, there are two scenes I'm in. After exiting the stage in a style all my own, (I heard a man laugh particularly loudly at that move tonight), I walk quietly over to one of the staircases leading up to a room on the set and sit silently until I hear my next cue. There are other places to sit but I've come to really like that one for some reason. There is a blue light about a yard away from me softly glowing with enough illumination to see by, but most of the area is in shadow. With my fur stole draped across my lap, I sit in deep thought for those minutes, remembering videos of me as a child, finding the commonality between that little girl full of smiles and mischievous laughter and the woman I am now walking in high heels and wearing layers of makeup. Taking out the compact in my purse, (I use it in the second scene), I look at my face in the blue light. My eyes and mouth are dark, the skin light blue and the veil and pearls enriching the air of a lady. Grinning and squinting my eyes, I can still see the face of that one year old, enthusiastically rocking the chair back and forth, or that quiet, penetrating but amused look so commonly found upon me at any age. I think about who I am, that inner core of me, the one meant to write and express those things words can hardly hope to say but try to say anyway.

Who knew such a whore could have such thoughts sitting in the dark?

365-09 #43

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Hamentashen Cookies

Tonight I feel rather overwhelmed. Between closing the show, getting my photography to the theatre director, and working on printing the Faith and Practice, not to mention living my own life, I am feeling pulled in several directions at once. Having my laptop home bound is not helping but I'm just glad it's running. I'm having it fixed when this Faith and Practice book is published. Until then, it seems fine if I watch the cord and leave it on my desk.

In the midst of this, I've had the pleasure of spending some extra time with my friend, Stacey. This week the athletic club she works at is launching new routines and yesterday afternoon, I attended her class as her guest. One of the things that impresses me the most about her is her positive attitude and ready smile. She is also unspeakably kind to whomever she comes in contact with. Not to mention energetic. Stacey was a delight to watch teach the class and I even got to go up with her for the balancing routine. Whenever I have trouble balancing, I just think of her quilt that I made for her. I don't know why that works but it usually does. Perhaps it is because I consider it one of the truest things I've done and that centers me.

Then this afternoon, I joined her at Roth's Bakery to help make enough dough for 300 dozen Hamentashen cookies. The bakery assists us in this and between the bakers and the three volunteers, it takes about two hours. Making Hamentashen has become one of my favorite yearly traditions. We do it at my temple every year at Purim as a fundraiser. An army of volunteers gathers at the temple once the dough is ready and we roll, dollop, and pinch for days. It is one of my happiest times of being a Jew. Our Torah Treck and Israeli dancing are others, posts in themselves. Times like this are when I am reminded the most of how proud I am to be a Jew.

Sometimes when life seems hectic and overly full, it helps to remember the people who bring light to our lives and the work that gives us joy.
Some of the bakers were frosting cupcakes while we worked on making the dough.

Kip is our dough-making hero. And a great baker.

I couldn't resist this photographic opportunity. Doesn't that just look fun?

This is Stacey holding the vanilla bottle. We had EXACTLY what we needed. It was like the oil of Hanukkah all over again.

This is all the dough we made. Each bag will make 50 dozen cookies. Roth's keeps it in their fridge until we are ready for it. Thank you Roth's!
365-09 #42

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Thank you Dad and Beth!

Tonight was an interesting evening. The show was scheduled as a student night. As the marketing person has been preoccupied, it was not well advertised and we didn't have a large audience. They also didn't laugh much. The play is a drama, but we usually have audiences laughing and crying alternatively. After the show as I was downstairs changing out of my costume, I received a text message from my sister telling me she and my dad were upstairs. I had no idea they had been in the audience. It meant so much to me they had come. My sister lives in Vancouver, Washington and working for the Blazers, I am deeply touched she came down to see me. I am also pleased as punch my dad was there too. My dad and older sister are the ones who have known me since I was born and have been so supportive and proud of me. I love them dearly and though this would not have been anywhere close to my choice of nights for them to come, I am thrilled they did. It was still a good show. Thank you both! I feel so loved on nights like this. The below picture is us at my graduation from seminary in December of 2006.

365-09 #41

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Monday, February 9, 2009

"Death of a Salesman" Pictures

When I was cast in "Death of a Salesman", my friend, Emily, suggested I take pictures of things and places most people don't get to see in the theatre. So in honor of the last week of our show, I am posting/releasing some photographs from behind the scenes for your enjoyment.

365-09 #40

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Sunday, February 8, 2009


Tonight as I was driving home from the theatre there was a song on the radio reminding me of something I had forgotten. No matter what mistakes I make, no matter what kind of situations I find myself in, God knows exactly how I feel and is standing there with arms held out open to me with no judgment. Jesus having taken all the sins of humanity on himself, knows exactly what it feels like to make stupid choices and regret them or to have something go wrong and be left with the effects of it. I am still left with those effects and the stupid choices, but the one who really matters has no judgment for me, but He's filled with compassion and understanding and is standing there with open arms filled with grace longing to draw me in. And that my friends, makes all the difference to me.

365-09 #39

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GREAT show. Fun cast party. My head is full in so many ways. I'm going to bed.

365-09 #38


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Something to be Proud of

Today was a good day. I feel like I have accomplished something. That may have something to do with a somewhat last minute call from Peggy asking for an estimate in the morning of how much it will cost to print our Faith and Practice. Being in Portland at the time and not even knowing how many pages the book was going to be, having an exact price in my hands an hour after getting home was something to be proud of. Yup. That's why they pay me the big bucks. (The fact this is volunteer has nothing to do with it.) That kind of speed and educated guess of page numbers is something to be proud of. I was one page off.

The show by the way is going well. The more time I spend with my fellow cast members, the more I like them and enjoy being with them, and the more time I spend acting, the more I'm hooked. I can almost guarantee you, this will not be the only show I do. Though I think a comedy could be difficult. Every night now I have to fight a smile while giving Stanley the dirty look. Tonight, I kept repeating to myself, "Dark night of the soul, dark night of the soul, dark night of the soul" to help fight that urge to laugh with the audience. I'm hoping it worked. I'll have to think of something even more potent for tomorrow.

365-09 #37

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Friday, February 6, 2009

"I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane..." (1 more month to go)

Today I bought a plane ticket for Savannah, Georgia. I am so excited to go see a new place, meet new people, and talk about interesting things. I'll be heading out in exactly one month. I will fly into Savannah, stay there for one night, and then go on to Saint Helena Island in South Carolina the next afternoon. Thrilled to be going doesn't begin to describe my feelings. I heard about this Quaker conference on diversity several months ago and that young adults could apply for scholarships. So I wrote a letter in application and was awarded the full amount I asked for, including the airfare and registration fee. It will be a great time. And yes, the camera is definitely coming with me.

I have thinking a lot about change. Some things we never want to change and have to deal with it when they do. Some things we want to change but have to learn to accept things as they are. I am glad that in some cases, God prepares me and opens up my heart to the change because looking forward into my life, I am glad things change. It keeps life interesting and full of growth. With new challenges, I learn so much more about myself, others, life, and the world. I like that.

365-09 #36

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I have been having questions about what I invest my time in and if I want that to change. Coming to the theatre tonight with that on my mind, my friend David who plays Bernard knew just what I was feeling as he has had to deal with that same exact choice in the past. I'm not making any decisions right now as I don't think it would be a good one when I have so much pressure in my life and so many things I'm dealing with that are probably clouding my view, but it felt really good just the same to talk to someone who knew exactly where I'm at.

#365-09 #35


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

"I'm Still Here" - January 2009 Newsletter

Someone once told me that sometimes, our relationship with God is like the transformation scene in Beauty and the Beast. Belle falls in love with the beast and then when he's transformed, Belle sees him in a whole new way. Though with God, it's not as easy as that. When we have one image of God, it's a whole new part of the journey to recognize him when he looks quite different.
I was going through a time like this when one of my seminary professors gave a presentation to our Old Testament class with pictures of the universe. He started with a picture of our local area and said, "And this is just a part of this" while showing us a picture of our state, then the country, then the hemisphere, then the globe, our solar system, the Milky Way, and on and on it went in the same manner blowing our minds with how big everything really is and how small we really are. I walked out of that class dizzy with the idea of just how BIG God is. I felt very insignificant before Him. I have never really gotten over it. Before that day, God was much safer, much smaller. He was someone I could sit with, easily approach without trembling, I felt very close to His heart. Now there is a bit of trepidation there. A bit of fear in approaching Him. Does this huge-beyond-imagination God really accept me just as I am with all the times I stumble and fall to my knees? Does He really love me, all of me?
It is at these times he passionately answers, "I'm still here." He may look different to me but I know it's still Him standing there. It's still the same hand guiding mine. My fear may have taken hold for a while, but I know there is a greater love that overcomes my fear. This I hold to. As my faith changes as I grow and learn, as it widens along with my larger perspective, I hold to the truth that whatever God looks like to me, we have a beautifully close and personal relationship- this will never change. I am so glad God and I have experienced enough transformations in our eternal time together, that I know He is there and even when I can't hold on, I know He is holding on to me.

365-09 #34

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Silent Poetry Reading

This was brought to my attention today and, being of poetic spirit I thought I would contribute.Feel free to copy the following to your blog and spread the word. Let poetry bless the blogosphere once again!
WHAT: A Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading
WHEN: Anytime February 2, 2009
WHERE: Your blogWHY: To celebrate the Feast of Brigid, aka Groundhog Day
HOW: Select a poem you like - by a favorite poet or one of your own - to post February 2nd.RSVP: If you plan to publish, feel free to leave a comment and link to whoever you hear about this from and a mighty web of poetry will be spun.Feel free to pass this invitation on to any and all bloggers.

Voice of the Tide

Beyond the burst of birds,
flowing pure and wide,
your voice I sense within me-
words reverberating through my head
thunder churning on the sea,
the pulse of waves,
steady and strong,
calling me-
to face into the dawn-
to see the world anew-
beyond the shoeless shore.

-Sarah Hoggatt

365-09 #33

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Thoughts on My Spirituality

Last night I hosted a meeting in my home for a Quaker group I am a part of. During our discussion, two of the group had a difference of opinion on where I fall theologically. I realized as the subject moved on, that beyond labels, my spirit has been deeply stamped by the seminary that trained me. The church I grew up in gave me a firm foundation of coming to God honestly and not being afraid to speak about my experience to others. The seminary gave me the wider perspective on spirituality I needed while respecting the foundation already laid. Truth be told, the things that attracted me to Quakerism were in hindsight, characteristics of our learning community at the school, not necessarily who the Quakers are. I do deeply appreciate the core values and beliefs of Quakerism but not all Quakers believe them. They are what many at the seminary believe though. On a previous post, my friend Ashley asked me what was different than for me? One of the biggest is my lack of interest in social justice issues. I care that all people are treated with love, but the deep interest and passion most Quakers have for politics is simply not a passion of mine. I also don't think Quakers have it all right, they left things behind too. I am passionate about talking to God and have trouble just sitting there listening for long periods of time. I was raised in a more expressive crowd and was trained in another with the same spirit. But I know who I am. I am grateful for the room the Quakers have given to grow and enjoy the community of Quakers, but my spirituality is my own, it's not Quaker or any other denomination. I know who helped me find it and nurtured it within me, who gave me the language I needed, who introduced to those who would teach me across the years and who walked beside me in times of dark and light. I am sure it will all evolve as time goes on, but it will be my own path, not dictated or labeled, but one unique and blended with all the beautiful colors and light God has given me.

365-09 #32

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Sunday, February 1, 2009

To-Do List

Today I cleaned, drank beer, and played a whore. My work here is done.

365-09 #31