The moon is so beautiful tonight. It's full and white with clouds passing by, occasionally reflecting that elusive rainbow ring of light around its orb. It looks on me from above, a friendly face in the night sky. The house is quiet tonight. Allie is at work and I am siting here in the dark, my yellow and blue quilt I made wrapped around me with the tea kettle on the stove. It's late, but I am in a thoughtful mood.
Driving home this afternoon from Deanna's, I thought more about what freedom means to me and what it looks like in my life. Years ago, when I first started spiritual direction, I had a belief that I was walking the narrow path and that if I moved away from it, I would break my relationship with God and be punished. God was in the right and I would be in the wrong. In some ways, it was all very black and white to me. My terror in crossing God's limits was disabling to say the least. One session I remember in particular, I was really frustrated about life and I exclaimed, "I wish it was all just black and white!" Adria took a good look at me and responded, "Sarah! Look around you! The world is full of color!" I will never forget that because that is what freedom is to me.
Life, and our spiritual journey, is not a narrow path through the woods where we will get eaten up by the wolf if we leave. No, life is open countryside with no path whatsoever. We are free to explore to our heart's delight. When this idea was first beginning to dawn on me, it terrified me. I still held onto the idea of limits and the punishment of crossing them. I was scaring myself with the journey I was taking, it was far beyond anything I had been brought up with and I thought I had crossed into heresy long ago. At that point, Adria asked me how I thought it would make her feel if when her son was young, she had filled a room with wonderful toys but instead of exploring them, her son just huddled in the corner afraid to move. I realized that no matter where I went, God had me in His view. I couldn't explore anywhere where He wasn't already. And, if I did go too far, which I can't see happening, He would be there to bring me back. But that isn't a worry of mine in the least. I know God in the core of my being and I can't separate from that. The only way I could ever go too far would be to go out of His hand and since I've already experienced God holding onto me when I couldn't even hold onto myself let alone Him, there is no problem.
You see, I know I can explore to my heart's content for the only one who can tell me to stop, never will. I know my value is already intrinsically there, always has, it's been exploding like fireworks from inside me since before I was born so no judgement of anyone is going to take that away. I am free, truly free. I think that is what God wants to give all of us. Real freedom. As I said in part 1, freedom is not being afraid, it's exploring, loving without limits, taking care of myself without guilt, having boundaries, and being myself with no apologies. And I'm still working on all of this, but, wow! Freedom feels good! There is responsibility too, of course. Freedom to love is caring for myself and others, respecting myself and others. But since I already know who I am and am not afraid of losing that or caught up in the hopeless cycle of defining my worth by what I do, I am free to help others with what they need when I can give it. I love the idea that my life has benefited more people than just myself. If I cannot give it away, what has my life really been for? It's hard to explain but it's the one thing that when you truly have it, you just want to give it away! Life and love are like a spring, I give it away and it just keeps flowing into and out of me. That is freedom at work in a life. It's freedom worth fighting for, seeking out, taking the journey to find.
A life that is free can only be found by letting go of limits that don't exist, knowing God has a hold on you wherever you go, and when you've found your life and nourish that life inside you, start giving it away to those with whom God has gifted you. Freedom, in the end, is how you live the journey.
Thank you, Adria, for giving me that legacy.
365-09 #186 (Part 3 tomorrow.)Labels: 365-09 Challenge, Freedom, Spiritual Direction