Making the Choice on Pain: Part 2

Today at Richmond, I was working on the inventory while Adria was showing her classes a video about the book fair. One of the lines in the video is, "Sometimes you have to step into the darkness to see the light." I really liked that quote as it is exactly one of the things Adria taught me in our time of spiritual direction. By the time I met Adria, I was already in the dark night and clinging to a stump in the storm. Eventually, she convinced me to let go of the stump and let the storm tossed sea throw me where it will. I was terrified to do it, the pain looked so overwhelming to me that I couldn't bear to turn my head into it much less go through it. But then during one of our sessions, I saw the pain in me on her face and it brought me to tears without a single word. I had been so stubborn up to the point, still guarding my defenses but that day, really feeling and seeing the pain for the first time, I just had to let go. Weeks later, I remember being utterly lost in the blackness when she passionately assured me, "There is a thread of hope in the darkness!" I choked back, "I can't see it!" and she informed me, "I will hold it for you. Don't let go!"

Four years later I can tell you that turning around and facing into the pain was one of the very hardest things I have ever done. It feels utterly overwhelming, like it will never end. When Adria and I were talking about entering what I called, "the black water", I claimed it would never end, that once I let the black water go over my head, I would never return. It felt like death to me. But she made sure I heard there was life on the other side and though nearly all my feelings said it was all darkness, I trusted her. I am glad I did. I am glad I let go of the shore of safety and let the water go over my head. And I was right, it was very much like dying. I felt like God brought me one inch away from emotional death and then brought me back to life. But listen friends, listen. It was worth it!!! The life I have now, what I feel and think, my belief in the importance of joy and hope, is because I walked in the pain and like a purifying fire, it cleansed me. I laugh again with my whole heart, I love because I let pain make the room. And I have joy because sorrow left carved spaces where the black water used to be.

When I left the library yesterday, Adria thanked me for the work I did. But in truth, she already had. Helping was more my thank you to her.

365-09 #127