Don't Ask - I Won't Tell

I have a confession to make. It's not easy to say this-much less publish it to the wide world-but I feel I can no longer continue in secret.  Though it doesn't seem harmful now, not opening up about it could be harmful and doing so, may help others who haven't felt free to be open up about their own desires. But I can't stay silent any more. Too many people need to take in what I have to say today. So here we go:

I have been to mass.

Not just a little bit.  Not just crossing my chest when I think no one is looking in an alleyway downtown, or sneaking the rosary under my coat in a dark movie theater, but everyday, and for years. The nave itself, has rarely seen me. In fact, before the last two times I've gone, it's been years since I've taken a knee in public.  But I have had a long-standing love affair with Catholicism. 

It started out innocently enough as all affairs do, a talk with a friend about transubstantiation and consubstantiation. You know, what Sophomores in college usually talk about.  This friend brought up some good points and we had a very interesting discussion. She invited me to mass. I went. I felt odd but she was there beside me helping me along on when to kneel, when to stand, and when to say what. It was a crash course in the holy rosary. 

Two years later, I was driving with Jesus to rehearsal. I liked Jesus. She was fun, a laugh a minute, and she fascinated me.  Jesus must have seen something in me too for she invited me to join her in leading her youth group at St. Mary's Catholic Church and you know how it goes, where Jesus leads, we follow.  Jesus, otherwise known outside of our play, Journey to the Cross, as Leonora, (I was the blind man she healed, a disciple she called, and a high priest who betrayed her rolled into one, but that is another whole metaphor for another story), was a gift in my life.  I joined her at St. Mary's as an intern and we had a blast. I got to help plan and sit in on all the lessons. I got to know the kids. I got to shoot Lee with rubber bands in the dark on our overnighter.  I even went to a tea with the women. I got to learn from her how to laugh at myself. 

In addition to being the youth leader in Albany, Lee also worked at the Newman Center, the Catholic student center just off campus.  Hanging out with all the Catholics at the Newman Center and playing "Dress Up Jesus" on the Internet became my favorite haunt.  We laughed until we cried.  We made comfort food in the kitchen and held regular get-togethers. I even took their class on what Catholics believe and why, taught by a local priest.  One night we went bowling and competed against the Presbyterian center down the street that I was also familiar with. They called me a traitor. But those times there among the voluminous tomes of Catholicism are some of my very happiest from my college years.

After college, I went and got religion.  Well, first I got depressed and then I got religion.  (Another longer story.) This religion came in the form of Christian History, a topic so little taught in our world. At seminary, I learned about our church fathers, "Lord, give me chastity but not yet." I learned about the early councils when the church was one. (Ha!) I learned about the Abbas and the Ammas who moved out to the desert when Christianity became acceptable.  I learned about those faithful followers of Christ who lived on top of pillars for years on end in faith to God.  (Someone should have shared with them the verse about wanting a contrite heart more than sacrifice.) I learned about the mystics, the church splits, I learned about the tree of faith and I learned that Catholics were Christians!  I walked the labyrinth and learned about the rosary. I knew the saints and venerated the icons. (Rublev's Trinity is my absolute favorite!)  From Carole and MaryKate I learned we are all one, we are from the same family.  What is more, I learned I loved the art, the images and pictures, the traditions and practices.  I loved the history. 

About a year ago, I attended an Episcopalian church and it was an enriching experience. I really enjoyed it. Some of my favorite authors and books have been Episcopalian. Then this last Christmas Eve, I decided to go to midnight mass. Every once in a while, you just need some good liturgy.  So I asked my spiritual director what times the services were going to be at (all my directors have been Catholic more or less). I wanted to remember in the midst of the all the Christmas decorations and shopping why we were celebrating. I was thirsty for mass.

Though it was the second time I had been there, I visited that church once years ago, I didn't really know what I was doing.  The room was packed, overflowing even, so it wasn't too hard to sit in the back and try to blend in, though I hoped they wouldn't find out I wasn't really Catholic, just a wannabe.  But even being an outsider, I felt very comfortable amongst them. My favorite icon hangs in the front on the right hand side, and it has enough qualities of Judaism, the rhythms of worship echo in my heart and make it sing.  The next week I went again, still crowded, and I still sat near the back, trying not to let people know I didn't have it all memorized.  But I love how they use their bodies in worship, it feels so wholesome, so life-giving. 

Really, the protestants left out a lot of great stuff when they "reformed".  It's like there having been missing pieces in my protestant spirituality that have been filled in and brought to light as I've engaged in Judaism and Catholicism.  While I was at seminary, we were taught these other Christian practices, a rich array of them, not to show what they did, but as pieces of us, our history, our heritage.  We we taught these practices, these spiritualities, were beautiful and meaningful and true. We were taught to respect them, to experiment with them, even to enjoy them.  I still do. So being a visitor, it would seem "home" is elsewhere, but I feel home there too.  Is God there?  Yes. Yes He/She is.  And wherever God is, there is home.  You can hear Him in the singing, you can hear her in the prayers. You can hear God in all of these spiritual practices.

Sister Antoinette once told me she didn't think I would be happy until I became Catholic.  I think she's right in a way.  I would never be happy sticking to just one spiritual practice. I need Catholicism too on top of everything else. There is so much out there. So many deeply enriching experiences that sticking to one all the time would be like having mashed potatoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  As much as I like mashed potatoes, I want variety in my diet. It keeps things interesting, keeps me healthy.  Diversity is nourishing.  And if diversity is nourishing in what we eat and what we do, then why not how we pray?  Why not how we relate to God?

Trying out different ways of relating to God is a good thing.  It's not that I'm betraying any faith I profess to have or church I am involved with, (though how I could betray Judaism, Protestantism, and Quakerism all in one is beyond me), it's that I'm enriching it. God doesn't have denominations in Heaven. We are all one. Why not embrace that here? Why not visit each other, get to know one another?  Why not break down those stereotypes and get to know someone from a different faith background for ourselves?  In my own life, I found that we aren't so different and in the places we are, those places enrich my life far more than I ever thought possible.

So I go to mass.  And I go to Quaker meeting.  I visit churches and I delight in Shabbat.  And yes, I have some practices that are rather Catholic. It's one of the reasons I have enjoyed becoming friends with people of the Catholic faith. I can share those things, those practices of mine, knowing full well they share them too and that they won't ever laugh at me or question why I do them.  And when they ask me if I have considered a religious life, I know they are not simply incredulous of why a woman would invest herself in attending seminary, but are asking sincerely, and we can have a real conversation about it.

God is just too big, and too wide, and too immense to limit ourselves to one way of prayer. Thanks be to God.

Hamentashen Cookie Making

I mentioned the hamentashen cookie making a while back and I've gotten the pictures now so here is what I was talking about.

Hamentashen Cookie Making

Next weekend we start putting the Hamentashen cookies together at temple. I am really looking forward to it. Making those cookies with such a great community is one of my favorite traditions of the year. They are such good cookies too. Yum... Deanna may help us for a while this year when she comes down to Salem on Sunday. That would be fun and I think she would really enjoy it. (Hint, hint Deanna :)

Celebrating 2009 - Part 1

As a special ending to the 365-09 blog challenge where I had to write something everyday, (more or less), I am celebrating completing the challenge by a picture review over several posts of the highlights of the year. Of course, not everything precious to me has a photo but these definitely cover some of the best moments I’ve shared; thank you to all those who have been a part of it. Quite honestly, I must tell you it is the best year I’ve ever had. There was fun times, new growth, big surprises, seeing new places, bonding with new friends, laughing with old ones, and special memories. There was difficulty and struggle as well but the love I experienced was greater than whatever hard places I encountered. It was an amazing year.

The year began with "Death of a Salesman". For a long-time, it was a dream of mine to be in a play with a set, costumes, and lines so I took the opportunity to audition for this show through the local theatre and was given the part of Ms. Forsythe, one of the high-class prostitutes in the restaraunt. I learned a lot by playing her and I really enjoyed it. During the time I was involved with the show, various aspects of my life fell apart and being in that show gave me the consistency I needed and a community with whom to share the road.

Februaray came with a special joy - hamentashen cookie making. It is one of my favorite traditions and I love participating in it every year. Through our Jewish temple (I'm Jewish AND Christian if you didn't know), my friend, Stacey, leads the baking of hundreds of dozens of cookies for a fundraiser during Purim. It is a huge undertaking and is only completed with an army of volunteers. Our times in the kitchen have been my greatest lessons in Jewish community.


Through doing some of the photography for "Death of a Salesman", I was warmly invited in to join the Pentacle Theatre family as the official photographer for the rest of the season. It is a job I love. I have made so many friends through my work in the theatre and I love capturing the actor's and crew's memories of the shows. Seussical was the first show I did all the photography for. The cast was so welcoming to me, I am still friends with many of the cast and crew.

In March I flew to Savanah, Georgia, and South Carolina for a conference on "Weaving Sacred Wholeness". History came alive before my eyes there, Putting my hands on the bricks of a church built by slaves, seeing the air holes in the floor for the underground railroad, and seeing the Atlantic for the first time from the US side (Ireland in 2001), was a transforming experience for me. It was also very enlightening to get to meet many new Quakers from differnt branches and explore what diversity really means.

April found me working furiously for the arrival of the editorial board for the Quaker Youth Book Project. Our meeting was held at Twin Rocks on the Oregon Coast and my job was to plan hosts and excursions for the four members who were staying before and/or after. I also read all the submissions we had been recieving in preparation to decide together which ones to publish in the book. Our time together was full of joy, challenge, learning a lot about each other and our cultures (we're from five different countries), and creating a wonderful book which by the way, will be published in April 2010. Before our meeting, I hosted our friend, Emma, from Bolivia, and afterward, I showed Emma, John, Angelina, and Harriet the Tulip Festival, Silver Creek Falls, George Fox University, the Hoover House, Newburg Friends Church, and Multnomah Friends Meeting. I am really looking forward to seeing them all again when we meet this coming April to release the book in Richmond, Indianna.

To be continued...

P.S. I will still be writing a lot on here even with the challenge over, don't worry. :)

365-09 #364

Share My Joy

I've been asked the current countdown, it is four and a half days. WOW. I'm trying not to think about it in those terms. I pray I'll be ready. It's a good thing that after tomorrow I have the day free to work on things. I still have to write a paper for the class I'm auditing plus the posts. That should be interesting. :)

When I came home tonight, my roommate showed me the Charlie Brown Christmas tree she had put up. Nine little tufts of green with one red ball at the top. There are snowflake decals on the glass doors out to the balcony and lights all around my hope chest and her DVD stand. I love that little Christmas tree, it warms my heart like a sitting by a roaring fire with eggnog in my hands on Christmas Eve. The little things have come to mean so much to me, the little things in my life are the stars in my sky and love is the moon.

Today has been full of blessings and I am grateful. I got to spend most of the day with two wonderful women, learned some good language to describe spiritual direction (future post), contributed to their work in a creative way with tools I am good at using, got to celebrate two awesome events in the life of a friend at an unexpected party, and was blown away by the generosity of those around me as I have been for many weeks now. Even with all that has to get done and the tension that brings, my heart, my life is full and I am full of joy and thanksgiving. Life is good and it will continue to be good. As Jews, we celebrate life often. Our refrain is "L'Chaim" or "To life!" I really like this description: "L'Chaim reveals a lot about the Jewish approach to life. The phrase is not to a good life, to a healthy life, or even to a long life. It is simply to life, recognizing that life is indeed good and precious and should always be celebrated and savored. L'Chaim!" This is my happy L'Chaim dance tonight.



365-09 #336

Hamentashen Cookies

Tonight I feel rather overwhelmed. Between closing the show, getting my photography to the theatre director, and working on printing the Faith and Practice, not to mention living my own life, I am feeling pulled in several directions at once. Having my laptop home bound is not helping but I'm just glad it's running. I'm having it fixed when this Faith and Practice book is published. Until then, it seems fine if I watch the cord and leave it on my desk.


In the midst of this, I've had the pleasure of spending some extra time with my friend, Stacey. This week the athletic club she works at is launching new routines and yesterday afternoon, I attended her class as her guest. One of the things that impresses me the most about her is her positive attitude and ready smile. She is also unspeakably kind to whomever she comes in contact with. Not to mention energetic. Stacey was a delight to watch teach the class and I even got to go up with her for the balancing routine. Whenever I have trouble balancing, I just think of her quilt that I made for her. I don't know why that works but it usually does. Perhaps it is because I consider it one of the truest things I've done and that centers me.

Then this afternoon, I joined her at Roth's Bakery to help make enough dough for 300 dozen Hamentashen cookies. The bakery assists us in this and between the bakers and the three volunteers, it takes about two hours. Making Hamentashen has become one of my favorite yearly traditions. We do it at my temple every year at Purim as a fundraiser. An army of volunteers gathers at the temple once the dough is ready and we roll, dollop, and pinch for days. It is one of my happiest times of being a Jew. Our Torah Treck and Israeli dancing are others, posts in themselves. Times like this are when I am reminded the most of how proud I am to be a Jew.


Sometimes when life seems hectic and overly full, it helps to remember the people who bring light to our lives and the work that gives us joy.
Some of the bakers were frosting cupcakes while we worked on making the dough.

Kip is our dough-making hero. And a great baker.

I couldn't resist this photographic opportunity. Doesn't that just look fun?

This is Stacey holding the vanilla bottle. We had EXACTLY what we needed. It was like the oil of Hanukkah all over again.

This is all the dough we made. Each bag will make 50 dozen cookies. Roth's keeps it in their fridge until we are ready for it. Thank you Roth's!

365-09 #42

Death in a Dream

Saturday night I dreamed I was an American woman soldier during World War II> Soemthing was wrong where I needed help and I came across some German women soldiers who thought I was also German. When they were trying to help me, I attempted, to hide the Star of David hanging around my neck in one of my hands so they wouldn’t find out who I was and kill me.
Sunday night I dreamed I was in a house, also during World War II, and I saw through the window, planes flying overhead. I knew they were there to bomb my area because I was Jewish. Sure enough, there was a bright yellow/white light and I was dead. It didn’t hurt, I was alive and then I wasn’t. Like being picked up and taken away. We wre then placed back in the house to see what had happened in slow motion. Right before the light came, I saw our friend duck down a trap door. She knew the planes were coming and what they were going to do, she had betrayed us. I tried to comfort my grandmother (not mine in real life) on the couch, she was in emotional pain.

The dream didn’t leave me upset when I woke up, it was deeper than that, more real in some way. Though I am Jewish and have studied the Holocaust a great deal, I haven’t been thinking about it much lately except that our New Year is coming up. I talked abou it tonight with two friends, one of whom is also Jewish, and we talked about what it is like to die. It’s kind of like slipping away, where staying present is harder than letting go. We didn’t think it actually hurt to die, my friend had actually been a step away from death before and she described it as floating away. Hmm… Whatever the dream means, if anything, I am less afraid of dying. In a strange way, I feel like I’ve done it before, in my dreams.

Israel Independence Day

Sometimes open worship is hard for me to sit still in, I want to MOVE!!! I will openly admit, this does detract from my being a good Quaker. Recently I was putting on some perfume and a fellow Quaker asked me, “You weren’t raised a Quaker, were you?” I confirmed this and she responded many Quakers don’t wear perfume at conferences because so many people have medical problems with the scents. I don’t know how many wear perfume at home but I thought this quite funny- that someone could tell I was not raised a Quaker by the small habits I do within my day. So I will tell you, there are things I do and believe that deviate from “historical Quakerism”. On top of that, being a Quaker is only a part of my life, it does not define who I am or my spirituality. It is an ingredient among others.

For example, back to open worship this morning, I wanted to stretch out my arms and legs, I wanted to play, I wanted to worship God with my body! This morning was one of those mornings. I wiggled, I tapped my feet, I shifted, I looked around, I thought about all the things that are swirling around in my life and I looked at the clock, several times. One person spoke about how worship was work and sometimes she didn’t want to do it. I was appropriately chastised, (though I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way), but it didn’t help my wiggles. Worshipping was not the problem. Sitting still the whole time was my difficulty. Being inside was hard. I thought about going to the art table and painting something but wasn’t feeling particularly inspired. What I really wanted to do was dance!

At five till twelve, we ended it, I made my announcement about the upcoming writer’s night, and I was out of there like a shot out of a cannon. My destination as I raced through the town was the Jewish temple I attend. (Another large ingrediant.) I had told my friend, Stacey, earlier that morning I would meet her there to show her the quilt I had just finished and join her for Israeli dancing as it is Israeli’s Independence Day. When I got there, I showed her the quilt first then we walked over to where people were eating lunch outside and drinking strawberry lemonades. They had already set up a speaker and cordless microphone for the music. While Stacey put on the microphone, I talked with her sister-in-law and parents-in-law, all fantastic people I am blessed to know.

We started first with “Mayim”, a song about water, quite appropriate since it is a beautiful blue sky afternoon. It was so fun to finally MOVE! We danced with grapevines, trachezias, kicks, claps, and shouts! Sometimes we snapped, sometimes we wiggled our toushies, but all of the time, we had fun! We were joyful! Some of my favorites are Yo-Ya and Zodiac. Stacey and I had turned Zodiac into a tap dancing duet last year and performed it at the World Beat Festival. It has always since been one of my favorites.

I enjoy my Quaker meeting, I do. That is why I go. They are the place I am growing out of. But quite frankly, they can be a quiet, subdued bunch and I am much more outgoing, even flamboyant. That is why I was surprised to discover on my recent travels that Quakers in general, are touchy-feely. My meeting is not touchy-feely. Judaism tends to be more robust, more gregarious, more joy-filled. At least where you can see it. So my meeting may be where I'm planted, but my branches are reaching out to many places. I feel quite at home at temple with my fellow Jews and this afternoon was a wonderful reminder of why. I value both Quakerism and Judiasm and hold them in each hand, not letting one overshadow the other, but living in paradoxical tandem. After all, truth is often found it the tension between two other truths. This, I know to be true as I worship God in silence and in dance.