Space on a Train

It seems fitting I pick up this blog again while riding a train. All throughout my time in Europe, train time was my space, my rest, time to think, relax, just be. My best writing comes out of my be space. I loved it. Traveling by train is my favorite form of transportation and such peace is compounded today as I am heading to a weekend retreat with friends after a very full week.

It has actually been a very full summer and my blog was set aside for awhile so I could pay attention to more internal things. A new time is opening up for me, in my career, in my relationships, with God, and deeply within.  Though I don’t know all of what my life is transforming into and what all these changes will be or are even becoming, it has been life-giving to have the space to attend to them.

Change can be hard for us, even good change. For every new thing coming into our lives, there is something we are leaving behind.  Even the things we are glad to see go can have a tinge of grief while we watch them fall away.  And those things we don’t want to let go of but know we need to, there can be great pain in the release.

One thing I am not letting go of, not to mention it would never let go of me, is my writing. The next poetry book, the third in the trilogy, is two-thirds of the way written and my illustrator is starting the set of drawings to accompany the text. Already a beautiful book, it has been a joy to work on and see come together. All the books will be at the Oregon State Fair this year along with my friend, Dolores Dahl’s poetry books at the author’s table in the Americraft building, or as I grew up calling it, the Jaackman-Long building. Dolores will be running the table during the day and I will take charge of it in the evenings. It’s a nice way to have the books at the fair and to keep flexibility in the day time. In honor of the fair, I will be dropping the price of all the poetry books to $10 each and $5 for the devotional. This price is good through September even if you don’t come to the fair.

In the meanwhile, I still have life to figure out as it unfolds before me. I have several ideas for blog posts but have one more book review and a few articles to write, not to mention a quilt to finish, before I write a lot on here.  But I will try to write more often, put some of those ideas to paper. :)

A New Look

Yes, this is the same blog, but with a new look.  I've had the old design since I began this blog and I have been thinking about trying a new one out for some time now.  You would think that someone who has traveled to the other side of the world wouldn't be so nervous about changing a virtual design format but I am.  I liked the old colors and how it split up the posts better but it's time to make it more interesting.  You'll probably see me changing pieces of it here and there until I've settled into something I really like.  This picture, I believe, is taken in England on the Cliffs of Dover, a place I have actually been.  It was beautiful.  I chose green as the background to symbolized nourishment and growth, things I pray my life are marked by.  

I would appreciate your feedback as I change things around.  Is it readable? Is it easy on the eyes?  Do you like looking at it?  Does it suite me and the content of the blog?  Thanks!

Where is Sarah?

Hello friends. Were you wondering where I had gone? Life has been very full lately and I am learning the importance of margins because I don't feel like I have them. I know things are really busy and intense right now so I am trying to work through that at the same time as trying to figure what I can cut out so I can once again do those things that refresh me like hiking and quilting. I need those times, those naps in the park and long walks. I miss them.

These are the looming tasks that have pushed me out to the edge of the paper:

-Now that the book is published, the publicity begins. As the Publicity Coordinator, I am helping people connect and getting events going for groups around the world who want to talk about the book. If you are interested in doing one of these, (you might even be able to get me there depending on where it is), let me know! This is the website for the book and you can also buy them from me for $17.50. http://www.quakerbooks.org/

-I am moving! I am not sure where yet, within the Salem/Keizer, Oregon area at least, but I have been working hard on finding a one bedroom apartment somewhere where I can find out what living on my own is really like. I have always had roommates and was thinking of continuing that when I came to realize how nice it would be to have my own place. So I have been hitting the streets, making phone calls, and will start viewing apartments this week before making my selection. I want someplace safe with a little greenery. I think it's high time I had that single adult crappy apartment experience. I will let you all know who live nearby when the moving day is just in case you would like to lend a hand. :o) It would be immensely appreciated. Does anyone have any boxes lying around I could use?

- Now that the big trips are over, my schedule is clear to really look (and find!) a job I can invest in. I would like to find one that at least involves some writing, editing, and hopefully, even some presenting. I want to be able to use my gifts while gaining new skills. Meanwhile, I am still substituting with the schools and enjoying the challenges each day brings.

- I have a tap dancing recital coming up next Sunday at 3. (Tickets are $5.) I am looking forward to the show and at the same time, looking forward to being able to lay tap dancing down for a while. I need some things off my plate, my knees are ready for a break, and the evening class has been moved to 4 pm when I will hopefully be working. I have loved dancing with On Tap for the last 5 years, it has meant a great deal to me and I have grown so much through the lessons learned and the friends made but I am ready for a breather.

As you can probably guess, I have lots of other irons continuously in the fire, little and large, but these are the big ones right now. If you are the praying type, please pray that I create the margins I need to sustain myself and that I have the wisdom and courage to make the decisions that need to be made. Thank you everyone, you are a joy.

Thursday at QUIP

Between the blogging panel, the Writing as Prayer workshop, and all the events for the book, I haven't had much time to post on here. However, things have slowed down now and while I listen to this workshop, Poetry as Ministry which right now feels like balm to my soul, I'm going to post pictures for you all to see. These are from our time together on Thursday.

QUIP meeting together.

Kody Hersh, one of our contributors to the book.

The staircase in the house where we are staying.Harriet Hart and Lucy Duncan hanging out.
Lucy and Angelina Conti looking at the book.

Autographs

Vaness, Harriet, and LucyHarriet and Lucy

Cara Curtis

Johnn Lomuria and Cara

Myself and John

John Lomuria signing a book.

Look! We have a book!

John and Emily Stewart Kathy Hyzy already enjoying the book.

Stephen Dotson and Emily Stewart

Harriet Hart

Harriet Hart and her snowman food.Emily Stewart

Emily, Sarah (me), and Katrina McQuailThe audience gathering before the blog panel.

Myself, Liz Oppenheimer, and Martin (from Quaker Quaker.org) on the blog panel.

She's ALIVE!!!

I admit, I've been terrible about blogging lately. I need to read my own post on margins because right now, I don't have any and blogging slipped off the pile. What writing time I have had, has been devoted to e-mailing. But I am going to make it up to you all with a couple of awesome posts from... (drum roll please).... PHILADELPHIA!!! and RICHMOND, INDIANA!!!

This week I have been working on my itinerary for the Philadelphia portion of the trip, which as it turns out, due to a presentation being rescheduled, is purely for the fun of it and I cannot put into words how ecstatically excited I am to see places like Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, Longwood Gardens, Pendle Hill, and the Betsy Ross House in person. Pictures will be posted!!!While there, I will be staying with Emily Stewart with whom I was in Kenya so I am also really excited to spend time with her.

Then we are car pooling to Richmond, Indiana (I am going to enjoy seeing the countryside) for the Quakers United in Publishing Writer's Conference where I am giving a workshop on "Writing as Prayer", speaking on a panel of bloggers, and then the highlight of the whole trip, we (see the picture below) are releasing the book, "Spirit Rising: Young Quaker Voices". It is going to be a fantastic trip and I am looking forward to blogging about it so you can hear all about it! I hope you are all enjoying the spring weather wherever you may be reading this and I will be seeing some of you soon!

This is the cover of the book we're releasing!

Letting Go - Hope with Open Hands

So, I now have someone else checking this blog on a very regular basis who has started pointing out to me whenever I don't have a recent post. I'm pretty sure this is good for me but you never know what will show up on here. They will soon learn this. :o) Still, thank you for giving me a good gentle kick when I need it and I have needed it. I'm sure there are many who read this blog who would like to thank you for giving me that constant push as well.

For the last few days as I have flipped through my closet, I have seen many things I could be parting with pretty easily. For someone who doesn't like clutter, there are some material things in my life I have a hard time getting rid of. Though this has become much easier for me in recent years, I have still held onto some things to remember where I've been; it's like focusing on the stars in the night. A mentor once told me years ago that as I work through the past, I will have hope for the future. These were such true and wise words and I have applied them to so many aspects of my life. Today I applied them to clothes.

You see, it can be really hard for me to let things go when they remind me of positive moments and treasured times. But I have come to think that if we keep accumulating these trinkets, they will cause us to look back at the good times we've had so often, we will forget there are good times ahead. We will start focusing on the past and forget to live in the present. One of the things I have been learning is to let the past live in the past, that I can simply say goodbye and turn the corner, let it go and leave it behind. Now, you cannot say goodbye to something you do not know but once you have fully faced what you fear and dealt with it, you walk through the fear and leave it behind. This is not to say there aren't things that will come up again from your past that you need to deal with, but that it no longer has any hold over you. All your past can put in your way is fear and that is a choice up to you. In the midst of the fear, we hold onto things we think will anchor us but in the end, they are just things we never look at and never use. They need to go. If they go, if we stop holding onto them, we will realize there is nothing to be afraid of, that there was no reason to hold onto them in the first place. What is more, what we were holding onto was keeping us from receiving what God is always holding out for us: a joyful present and a hopeful future.

I've always wanted a closet of clothes that has a fraction of what has been hanging there because after all, a fraction is what I actually wear, and gradually, I've been getting rid of things. I tend to keep clothes and wear them until I shouldn't and then hold onto them for a "little" longer for the memories. But today, I decided to really do it. While deciding what to wear, I started taking things out and being harder on myself about this than I've ever been. I feel like I've peeled off a major onion layer on letting things go. I now have a huge pile of clothes to bag up and deliver to a charity. (Any suggestions?) I am sure there is quite a bit more I could get rid of so I will be going through it all again but I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself for doing it. And, just like that classic wisdom says that can be so hard to put into practice, I feel so much lighter for having done it. Now I'm looking around and thinking of what else I could get rid of that made it through my last round of cleaning out. So much of our lives in the American culture is taken up with managing our material goods. What if we had less? What could we devote that time to instead? For my part, I would much rather be out with people I care about, having fun, talking, hanging out, just being together. I would rather devote my time to people instead of things, they are by far, longer lasting.

My younger sister is fantastic at this. She doesn't keep things for emotional reasons. It's not her "mode of operation" and I admire her for this. Her apartment is home yet simple and I like that. I want to have that quality marking my own life. After getting back from visiting her in Milwaukee last year, I went on a cleaning binge but I am far more ready to let the past go and look toward the future than I have ever been before. I think she may be proud of me. (After she shakes her head in wonderment of why it has taken me so long to get this.)

There are things I will always treasure and want to keep: my Samantha doll and her things, my baby trunk, rocking chair, and doll cradle, my mother's wedding dress, and the dress I wore in her second wedding at age four, these are treasures of mine. I also kept a shirt and fleece that belonged to my grandfather in the care home. When he died, my mother and grandmother gave these to me so I could have something physical to wrap up in and remember him with. But aside from things like these, I find each time I am willing to get rid of a layer, another layer is far easier to let go of. And each part of me that is made new, I can leave behind the old. It feels really good!

Here's cheers to the new day and a lighter closet.

Thoughts on Blogging

Tonight as I was driving home from the tattoo studio, I was decidedly in the mood for pie at Sharri's. However, I didn't think I would be able to talk Katie into it as it was 10 pm by that point and I had papers to sort anyway. And, we rarely ever go over there together. The last time was for breakfast when we were iced in. (Living in a neighborhood as we do does have it's advantages.) But when I got home, I checked the blinking message and it was from Katie asking me to call her if I was home. So I rang her up and she was at Walmart and wondered if I felt like going out for desert at Sharri's. "Are you shitting me?" was the first thing that came to mind. When I told her I had just been thinking the same thing, we laughed and laughed. And we went to Sharri's. I can't quite explain it but to say it made me feel like I was a puzzle piece in the right place.

I've been reading over some past entries to my blog. It's so interesting to look back over where I've been, what I have thought about, talked about, what soapboxes I have decided to stand on. Blogging is an interesting form of communication. Some of you I have met for the first time and you tell me you follow my blog. Others I know on closer acquaintance and they catch me by surprise by what they know when I don't realize they keep up with this. Then there are my closer friends and family who don't read it at all. When I write my books, I have some form of protection and privacy in that most people don't know what poems are written when or what they were about for me. It's about what the poems are for you as a reader anyway. But on a blog, it's much more immediate, much more personal. But when I write to you all, I feel like I am sending out the fruit on my tree. I may not know who is eating it but I am glad you are there. I have been thinking of what I want to write next. I feel a soapbox coming on. That will be fun. I'll have to do something special for the the "365-09 #100" post in my blog a day challenge. Emily and I who have both been doing it are going to go out for coffee. (Remember Em?)

I have to get to bed now. I have a Ministry and Oversight meeting in the morning with quite a bit to discuss on my end. Plus I need to get the paperwork ready for it. Then I have a dance class and now that Stacey knows I will be able to come to and perform at the recital, she feels she has a free license to work me really hard until then. Made her day. There is a Bible verse that says, "Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." I think I would like the mapquest directions to wherever "He" is.

P.S. I have now officially registered my blog with http://www.quakerquaker.org/

P.S.S. Someone walked over past the bookshelf where I was shelving books today just to see "who belonged to that hair!"

365-09 #92

A Roommate's Revenge

My roommate decided to take revenge on her very innocent roommate who never mentions her in her blog by creating a blog of her own. SO, the battle is on. Well, two can play at this game. She says in her posting she started it because I didn't want to hear all her ranting. NOT TRUE!!! I love her ranting! It's free entertainment. Don't stop! Don't stop! But now, you too can hear her rants (which are actually pretty good but don't tell her I said that), by going to her blog at:

http://katieskorneroftheworld.blogspot.com/

(Katie says, "The roommates who blog together, stay together.)

Stories from My Vacation in Eugene

I have been spending a lazy Sunday afternoon cuddled up to my laptop in my bedroom reading through a friend's blog. She is very real and I like that. Perhaps that is what blogs are - a place to be real. I think one of the reasons "reality" television is so popular, though it is hardly "real" at all, is because we are thirsty to genuinely know one another. Perhaps past our walls we put up as defenses, we really do want to know each other as we truly are. If we did, do you think we would be happy we did or would we run in the other direction? I think it would depend on what we focused on. The beautiful person each one of us is, or all the crap that could surround it. Rather like a peanut m&m where the peanut is surrounded by all that chocolate with a hard shell on the outside. It's a a great metaphor. I wish I could claim coming up with it.

As it is Labor Day weekend, I decided a mini vacation was long overdue. First, I had to relax before my vacation. When my roommate got home on Friday night, I challenged her to a game of Five Crowns. A popular card game in our household, we originally learned it from her young adult group. (I just go occasionally for game nights or beach trips.) It's played rather like rummy with different wilds and a different amount of cards in your hand for each round. I got pretty good at Five Crowns pretty quickly. I creamed the rest of the players my first time out. I told you I was competitive. The last two times Katie and I have played, I won. Not by a lot, but I won. She's quite good herself. The second time the rematch was my request. Go figure. So on Friday, it was her turn to cream me and she did it good and proper. I protested, gave her a hard time, we accused each other of cheating. Finally, she just looked at me and said, "Payback's a bitch isn't it?" So I told her I was going to put what she said on my blog... Yes, payback is indeed a bitch. So the moral of this story is: don't piss off a writer. Even if you didn't really piss her off, she can still skew the facts however she wants on her blog... :o)

So Saturday morning after sleeping in, I headed down to Eugene where my friend JD lives. JD and I met four years ago at a kariyoki night at a friend's house and then I helped take him to the airport when he moved to Japan three days later. That was the last time I saw or talked vocally to JD. For four years, we instant messaged each other off and on as he moved from Japan to Argentina and got married. Probably partly because it was online, we were honest with each other, how our days were going, problems we had and such. We encouraged each other and helped each other along when we both happened to be online with time to talk. At the end of four years, we were both in very different places than we had met. This last spring, he and his wife moved back to Oregon and just recently, to Eugene, within a hour and a half of me. Those kinds of friendships are awesome aren't they?

So, I had my destination along with a promise of salsa dancing in the evening. The afternoon, though, was my own. I have never spent a lot of time in Eugene as the university there is the arch rival of the university I attended for my bachelor's degree, but I was looking forward to a fun afternoon. My first stop was the Buffalo Exchange. No, this is not a western movie set, it is a national used clothing store. My friend Tricia recommend it to me as she knew I am into the urban look and I was eager to check it out. Think urban, hip, and why would you ever wear that kind of clothing store and you got it. I soon found out I really like the Buffalo Exchange and am looking forward to checking out their stores in Portland next time I get a chance. You can google it if you like. I am still figuring out how people put outfits together in this style, there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it so I am trying to create a style all my own.

Having seen a Saturday market down the street, I checked that out too. The folk in Eugene must be very clean because they sold a lot of soap there along with tie-dye t-shirts. It's Eugene! The jewelry was pretty too and I liked the music. People were friendly and for a while, I just sat watching them. Things like, "You think those pieces of clothing go together, how interesting." and "Oh, you are so gay." walked through my head as I checked out the hippies dancing the afternoon away. By the courthouse, there is a bunch of young women and men selling colored glass pipes in cushioned cases and if you don't know what those are for, you have obviously never been to Eugene. Ironically, I felt very comfortable amongst them. I'm not about to move there, but Broadway shows go through that town so it's tempting.

Meeting JD and his wife was not as awkward as I expected it to be. His wife is learning English so JD did a lot of translation for us. We got to catch up and I discovered that wedding photos need no translation at all. One of my more memorable attempts to communicate was when JD was on the phone and I was trying to explain my niche as a "fringe Christian". Finally, I came up with the idea of saying how I believe God is SOOOO big, (stretching out my arms), and many Christians put God in a box of right and wrong, who is saved, how to get "saved", and who is going to hell, (cupped hands), but I believe God is SOOOOO big, that I am on the fringes and I like it there. I'm not sure she understood, but I thought it was a good way to say it.

That evening, we were riding in one of their friend's vans talking. This may not seem that interesting to you, but you should know we were conversing in three languages at once. This made it very interesting. JD, his wife, and their friend spoke Spanish fluently and I know a bit. JD, their friend, and I all speak English, pretty well, and his wife speaks a little. We could all converse some in varying degrees in Japanese. So we are talking using all three languages jumbled together in something that resembled a tossed green salad spilled onto the floor with the four of us sitting on the linoleum with forks.

The salsa dancing was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. At one point I was sitting down to give my stomach a chance to settle. (I think it was the moving lights that did it) when a woman about my age sat next to me to rest and chat. She was one of the people I had been watching dance and up close, I realized she was strikingly beautiful, the kind you just want to stare at but try hard not to. I have been called cute, but honestly, beautiful is not how you would describe spiky hair and glasses. This doesn't bother me a whole lot as I just want to be myself, but this comparative thought roamed my mind as I caught a glimpse of our faces together in the restroom mirror. Outside, as we left, I told JD about her, and not knowing what I had been thinking earlier, he told me that his wife had commented earlier that afternoon, in Spanish, how beautiful I was. It was one of those times when I just looked at God and found him staring back at me with his eyebrows raised in expectation. "Well?" was all he said.

One more good story. After the dancing, we went back to JD's house to "hang". There was a group of about nine men and women. One woman, at the insistence of JD, played a game where she had four pens and we had to guess what number she was thinking of as she laid the pens out in front of her. Several times, she laid out the pens until one by one, people understood, and they knew the number. I was the last one left, feeling a little foolish but stubborn, I wanted to figure it out on my own. Finally, I got it, but I didn't tell them. Instead, I got up to get another slice of pizza when a guy who understood the game but didn't like it much, said to me at the sink, "You got it didn't you?" and I answered, "Yeah, but I don't think I'm going to tell them." So, with this idea for some fun, I went back in, sat down, and they again tried to help me to "get it". After a few times of me intentionally guessing wrong, they started throwing the pens around the room. I couldn't help but grin but they still had no idea I was putting them on. (I'm sassy too!) The guy at this point, crossed the room when I was taking a sip of juice, and said, "I don't like this game usually expect for right now." I lost it at this point in fits of giggles with a mouthful of juice and pizza. It wouldn't have been pretty except I still had my cup in hand. I let the ruse go on for a while, enjoying myself immensely, until the two of us finally broke down and told them I had understood the game for quite some time. The moral of this story is: If you are going to frustrate me, be prepared to get a little frustrated yourself.

I hope you are all enjoying your three-day weekends if you have one, hope you enjoyed my stories. I'll be posting pictures from the summer at the capital photo shoot soon. Now back to that blog...

Exploring Life (and Dance) in Pants with Chains

This month our tap dancing troupe is getting ready for our show on May 31st. Part of the preparations is planning out and obtaining our costumes. To this end, my friend Jennifer who lives in Portland did us a favor by picking up some pants of various sizes at a store at the Lloyd Center they had on hold for us. Last night, I stopped by her condo to pick them up before going on to a meeting I had driven up for. After saying our hello's, she carefully raised her eyebrows and weighing every word with incredulity, asked me, "Sarah, have you SEEN these pants?!" "Yes, I have!!!" was my enthusiastic answer. "Ooookay" then after a moment of thought, "They do match your haircut."

When I got home, I tried them on and was actually rather surprised at how comfortable I felt wearing them. Think urban gangster meets Stomp meets short spiky hair and you may have an idea of what you would see if you saw me. All I need now is a black t-shirt with a big skull on it. Maybe I could wear that to meeting next week...

If you would have told me even a year ago when I was head to toe in red and black sparkles including a very short dress and fishnet tights with rhinestones, that I would look like this now, I would have believed you I think, but I also would have been extremely curious as to what happened between then and now. I think the feminine divine is to blame and in turn God. God put me up to it I'll say. Well, not really, but God certainly did help the process along. I think it also has to do with all the thought I have put in to someone's advice that I should enjoy my late twenties and not grow up so fast. I am seriously tempted to take a picture of me in these black and hot pink pants with zippers, buckles, and chains, along with my now very short and sometimes spikey hair and bring it with me when I next see them. Could be fun.

I tell you this because it illustrates the freedom I feel and live in as I've become more comfortable as me. I'm not so concerned with what other people think. I respect and would like the approval of people I trust, but if I have carefully thought something out, brought it up with Papa, and still believe I am right in my choice, I won't budge. I have come to a point where I've realized it is more important that God and I are happy with my life more than anyone else. Though the pants are not something I would wear as a regular part of my wardrobe, I am excited to own them. I think it also gives me pleasure to know I'm crossing lines, living outside the box which is precisely where I'm happiest. My friend Jennifer scanned through this blog while I was up there and she called me a "rabble rouser". That was one of the nicest compliments right up there with the "crazy" one I got two weeks ago.

For those who don't know me except for this blog, let me balance out this picture for you. Though the image of crazed feminist is quite funny to me, I'm pretty down to earth. After all, I live in the Northwest. You can usually find me during my non-working hours in jeans and a sweater walking with no umbrella through the rain, pulling out a recycling bin with a late in one hand headed toward a pub to get a microbrew for the other. And though I am deeply enjoying exploring this topic of the feminine divine among other topics with you, it is that, an exploration. I am learning how to incorporate this into how I live my life as I go as I am hoping you are as well. Perhaps that is why there is a lot of stories from my own life here. This blog is not just a theological discussion, but also voices the praxis of where the theology crosses and alters my own life.

We we're discussing blogs last night in a small discussion group I'm a part of. (The reason I was up in Portland.) Out of the five women, I was the only one who reads blogs or writes one. SInce we are studying the enneagram, (personality growth), my fellow "4" commented how I may be getting something out of this by sharing myself with you. I think there is something to that but I don't think that it's wrong. They didn't either. I'm the personality type that likes sharing things about my life. I'm also used to having my thoughts in print anyway and open for the world to read. Perhaps another posting will be on this dichotomy between a public and private life. But I write this because perhaps hearing my story helps you better recognize things in your own, or at least lets you know others are thinking about some of the same things you are whether we agree or not, chained pants among them. Have a great day!