I "Know" What I Need

I just got back from watching the movie, "Knowing", with a friend. It is extremely rare for me to EVER go see a scary movie. Adria once recommended I see "The Village" which I did and I actually liked it and got things out of it just as she knew I would. I saw "The Shining" in college with 15 other people crammed into a dorm room like sardines and got deliciously terrified, but for the most part, I stay away from them. They terrify me too much and the images stay in my head haunting me. However, I liked this one too, but man! I shrieked. I admit it, I shrieked in the movie theater. I can just see now the nightmares I'm going to have. It's exactly why I usually don't go!

These last few weeks, two women in my life have taken turns coming to me in my dreams. Every few nights, or during the day if I'm taking a nap, I find one of them at my side. It's been one of those quiet and holy things. I can't even describe in words what I feel when they are there and why I think they come. But it's deep and full of love. The closest description I can come to is found in 1 Kings 19. It feels rather like that.

"Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel touched him, and said to him, "Arise and eat." Then he looked, and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank, and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came back the second time, and touched him, and said, "Arise and eat, because the journey is too great for you." So he arose, and ate and drank; and he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights as far as Horeb, the mountain of God."

Tonight, with that movie in my head, I think I'll need them both.

365-09 #156

Dreaming About the Holocaust Again

Last night I had another dream from World War II. If I believed in past lives, I'd swear I was killed in the holocaust. Which would also explain why I'm a Jew now, I must have felt if I was murdered for being one, it was worth hanging on to. This time I was the mother in a family and we had to split up. We went into hiding but then had to come back to the house a month later for something. I remember trying to grab things I wanted to keep for my younger sister like baby clothes or a beloved stuffed animal because I knew the house would be ransacked later. There I found all my other children, they'd had to come back because they had no where else to go. So we decided to just stay there and celebrate Christmas together (don't ask me why Jews were celebrating Christmas.) But we decorated the tree and found an orange in a stocking. I remember realizing how precious the orange was because we were in Europe and they weren't importing oranges. At the same time, there was some acknowledged fear as we knew the soilders could come and take us away to kill us at any moment but we were going to make the moment we had special.

I honestly have not been studying the holocaust lately. I don't think I had these dreams growing up when I was reading anything about it I could get my hands on, alright, that has never changed. I did read a book a little while ago that talked about saving the Yiddish books so perhaps that is it. Still, these dreams are emerging like figures in the smoke. Things that were always like silent sentinals in my life standing guard over me, reminding me of who I was when I didn't even know who I was. Only as an adult did I find out I was a Jew with family murdered in the holocaust. I think it was something I always knew way down deep inside beyond explanation. When I told my older sister about this, it made sense to both of us. She, not being a reader, would watch whatever shows she could on the holocaust. We never knew that about each other. Kind of weird huh? Actually, it's a little creepy but also is one of the things I love best about myself. I am proud to be a Jew.

Riding in the Dark

I had a dream last night that has been in the back of my mind all day. I was riding a bike at Riverfront Park in the town where I live around the sidewalks. It was bright and sunny, but up ahead, I could see the line where darkness began, like a line between day and night. I was happy in the light, I had some music on, probably through an ipod through I don't actually own one, and I was enjoying myself. The song I heard was about life and living, really living. When the words about living were sung, I held out my arms and lifted my head in exultation. I was still riding my bike, riding with no hands including turns is a little-known talent of mine so this was normal for me. I didn't think about turning back away from the darkness, I simply rode straight into it and continued enjoying the song and lifting up my arms. But when I looked back, everything was dark, there was no light. I was a little disturbed by this as there was light before, but I wasn't panicked. I just kept riding.

I'm not sure what the dream meant. The dark is comforting to me, like being wrapped up in a blanket or hidden away and protected. I like the dark, most of the time. But still, there was something different between the dark and the light and I can't figure it out. Tonight as I was getting into my car after tap dancing class, I looked over at that park and remembered it all over again. Most dreams leave me in the morning with mere whisps of memory. Some dreams haunt me, this is one of them.

Hold Onto Your Dreams

(This is being cross-posted from my publishing website, http://www.spiritwaterpublications.com/. It goes out with a big thank you to all those who have encouraged me as I've dreamed.)

He said he would never put me in front of a congregation, I was not a speaker. It didn't matter he had never bothered to let me try it or that the one time I was standing in front of his church, he had instructed me not to say anything, that I was merely up there to be seen. I was furious he would place such a verdict on me without ever getting to know me or helping me be a better speaker if indeed his dim prognosis was true. But it wasn't and I knew it. When the final interview for my internship was done, my professor and I rose from our chairs, thanked him, and walked down the hall. As we walked, she quietly whispered we would talk outside.

This pastor's opinion wasn't the first of its type I had heard. When I was in college, I talked to one of the female staff of a Christian organization I was involved with that I wanted to go into the ministry. She was discouraging of this avenue and didn't think I could do it. After college, I spoke with our assistant pastor, a female, about going into the ministry. She too, did nothing to encourage me in my hope. Then, one day I was having lunch with a trusted friend and she told me she could not see me in ministry. That one was heartbreaking as I held a deep respect for this woman and this was something I really wanted. Ever since I was in junior high, I wanted to be a speaker. I would sit and listen to the motivational speakers that came to our school and dream about being one myself someday. I held to this dream with every speaker I heard. I knew I didn't speak well, like Moses, I wasn't sure of myself and had speech therapy every week. But that is what I wanted to do. I had point A, I saw point C, but I had no idea how I would get from one to the other. But I believed in myself and that one day, I would get there.

Then George Fox Evangelical Seminary came into my life and I didn't look back. This is what I wanted, this was the path before my feet and I walked it with love, joy, and a thirst for learning. I nearly cried the first time my professor, Carole, told me I had a gift for speaking and teaching. Then MaryKate told me I had the gift of leadership. For the first time in my life, I had people encouraging me in my dream. (There were two exceptions in my youth group in high school.) For the first time, people really believed in my ability to be in front of a group and do well.

When Dr. Laura and I got out to the parking lot that day, she turned to me and laid her foot down- hard. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't you listen to him. Don't you believe any of it. If this is what you want to do, if this is what is in your heart, you do it and don't listen to anybody who tells you otherwise." As she had worked with me on my speaking skills and taught me a lot through our classes, this meant a great deal to me. She was one of those people who tell you exactly like it is, no holding back. So her encouragement was quite uplifting for my soul.

Since that afternoon, I have gone on to speak at several different retreats, conferences, groups, and even a congregation. A few memorable times, I felt like I had fallen flat on my face but as time has gone by, I have grown more confident and comfortable. Now it is something I enjoy doing and I am getting good at it.

It's strange now, looking back from point C. It's like looking at a mirror for a long time, and then suddenly find yourself staring back. How did it happen? Though I couldn't tell you exactly, I think it was because I stuck to what I knew in my innermost heart. It wasn't always easy to believe in my dream, sometimes I agreed with the naysayers around me, I wasn't a good speaker. But like Dr. Laura told me that afternoon, people can learn and they grow and they can become a great speaker. I believed her.

Yesterday I was asked to speak to a youth group in my area. This meant a great deal to me for it is my first opportunity to go back and tell a girl or boy what I wish someone had told me when I was their age. Believe in yourself, hold to your dreams, work toward them, and they will enter your life and fill your hands and heart with joy.

Death in a Dream

Saturday night I dreamed I was an American woman soldier during World War II> Soemthing was wrong where I needed help and I came across some German women soldiers who thought I was also German. When they were trying to help me, I attempted, to hide the Star of David hanging around my neck in one of my hands so they wouldn’t find out who I was and kill me.
Sunday night I dreamed I was in a house, also during World War II, and I saw through the window, planes flying overhead. I knew they were there to bomb my area because I was Jewish. Sure enough, there was a bright yellow/white light and I was dead. It didn’t hurt, I was alive and then I wasn’t. Like being picked up and taken away. We wre then placed back in the house to see what had happened in slow motion. Right before the light came, I saw our friend duck down a trap door. She knew the planes were coming and what they were going to do, she had betrayed us. I tried to comfort my grandmother (not mine in real life) on the couch, she was in emotional pain.

The dream didn’t leave me upset when I woke up, it was deeper than that, more real in some way. Though I am Jewish and have studied the Holocaust a great deal, I haven’t been thinking about it much lately except that our New Year is coming up. I talked abou it tonight with two friends, one of whom is also Jewish, and we talked about what it is like to die. It’s kind of like slipping away, where staying present is harder than letting go. We didn’t think it actually hurt to die, my friend had actually been a step away from death before and she described it as floating away. Hmm… Whatever the dream means, if anything, I am less afraid of dying. In a strange way, I feel like I’ve done it before, in my dreams.