Questions for Refletion - Submission Part 5

These are some questions Katie has for reflection at the end of the chapter that I thought you might like to think about. If they are useful, great, if they are not, that's okay too. Take them and use them for what you will.

• The False Self is where we find our identity in anything apart from Christ. Some examples of things we can find our identity in are: beauty, riches, intelligence, success, fame/popularity, sexual prowess, athletic ability, servanthood, sainthood, etc. What are some of the things that have defined you in your False Self? What are some of the positive qualities of these things? Where are the shadow sides of these things?
• Who has access to your Wounded Self? In other words, who can easily shame you, making you feel small, bad, or somehow unworthy?
• What does your Wounded Self tell you about yourself? "I am... unworthy, ugly, unacceptable, unloved, alone, stupid, unlovable, bad, worthless, unwanted, unimportant, etc."
• What are some of the redeemed qualities of the characteristics of your False Self? For example, a person who finds his/her identity in being right, will likely hurt people by speaking the truth without love. What would that characteristic look like from the Imago Dei?
• When do you feel most at peace with yourself? When are you the most centered in your Imago Dei? What makes you feel alive?

Relating out of the Imago Dei - Submission Part 4

For the last few days, I have been thinking over a lot of things, many of which, affect greatly this conversation we have been having on what submission means in relationships. When God told us to submit one to another, he wanted us live under his headship. Only there can such submission be healthy and good, when it is aligned with Christ. To do that, we need to live out of our Imago Deis, the images of God within ourselves, when in relationship with one another. This is our topic for today.

This is a diagram I took from Katie's book, Living in the Intersection, which will aid us in understanding the different ways we can relate to another out of our Imago Dei.


The first way of relating is from our Imago Dei to someone's false self, their hard candy coated shell. Of this relationship, Katie tells us, "By speaking the truth in love, Christ can be dangerous to another's False Self. Jesus does not placate or stroke the False Self, but rather challenges it with the truth of who one is called to be. That is a picture of what exhortation means. To exhort someone is to call them to a higher place, to challenge one to excellence. Exhortation is a gift of the Spirit. One cannot truly exhort another apart from the Spirit." This exhortation is spoken in love. After all, grace must come before truth. It is much easier to listen to correction if you know the person correcting you is doing it out of love and care for you as a person. Such speaking is only done out of God's movement, never out of a need to be heard.

If the other person is operating out of their wounded self, we will be a safe person for them. God, and in turn us, never adds to a person's shame, only diminishes it. Katie says, "When we flow from a Christ center, we will have a healing effect on people when they share their sin and shame." We are called to be the light in dark places, accepting and compassionate, bearing the truth that no sin or shame diminishes a person's worth. We are to remember, we all struggle with sin, none of us is more holy than another. There is no judgement in love, only grace and truth. After all, God loves each of us in a special way and he wants us to learn to see each other through his eyes, to be able to see their Imago Dei. Though we all have wounded selves to work through, we are all truly and deeply beautiful. The more closely we are connected with God, the easier it is to live out of his grace for ourselves and to live it out with others.

Even if another has bad boundaries and is operating out of their false or wounded self, we can always live out of our Imago Deis no matter how the other person chooses to behave. That is our gift from Christ, not being bound by the behavior of another, being free to choose for ourselves to put love and truth first in our lives.

When speaking of true intimacy, Imago Dei to Imago Dei, Katie relates to us, "True intimacy is to know and be known in our innermost self. It is when a person flows out of the Imago Dei and touches the Christ center in another.... Out of that place we take joy in one another, we delight in one another." Larry Crabb puts it as touching the "Christ in you out of the Christ in me." It is out of this place we can truly love and support one another, encouraging and lifting each other up as Christ would have us do. God meant for us to be living out of him/her when Paul says for us to submit to one another as to Christ. If we are both living out of our Imago Dei, out of our peanut, then we can be unified in spirit.

Knowing and living out of our Imago Dei in relationship to God, ourselves, others, and the earth is the whole goal of what I am writing about. In the coming days I will be talking about the drama triangle and the lion/lamb metaphor. The reason both of these are a problem (as I will explain) is when we are caught up in it or unbalanced, we are not living out the image of God within us.

I cannot understate the importance of learning to live out of our Imago Dei and learning to see the Imago Dei in others. When someone hurts us or causes us pain, it is so important to remember they too, are the image of God and we need to learn to see and love that, who they truly are, instead of getting caught up in the wounded or false self. Jesus did that. We are called to do the same. We are not to slander them, say hurtful things behind their backs. Christian or not it doesn't matter- we are to treat everyone, no matter who they are, with deep respect and love just as we would treat Jesus for that is exactly who we are seeing. Even if they've hurt us, even if they are still hurting us. We do not have to let them walk over us, (have good boundaries!) but we can still love them. I know for myself if others had not lived out of their Imago Deis and loved me and spoke truth to me when I was living out of my false and wounded selves, I would still have truck loads of shame and "chocolate" in my life. By living out the image of God, we can touch lives in ways we will never comprehend the full depth of. We can be the hands and grace of God to one another. It's a beautiful thing.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Peanut M&Ms in Relationship - Submission Part 3

You know how you can never eat just one peanut m&m? And do you also know how most peanut shells have two peanuts in them? We, as peanut m&ms, were created to be in relationship with one another. Katie Skurja writes about the Imago Dei peanut, "In this model, I am suggesting that the Imago Dei is the way we were designed to live in a triune relationship, just as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit live in relationship to one another. The image of God, or Imago Dei, within us is how we were created for relationship with God, others, and self....There is an inter-connectedness and mutuality among the three and a two-way flow between any two persons of the relationship."

Just as there is a mutuality and sharing among the trinity, so is there to be a mutuality and sharing between us, respect and love. We are to treat each other as we would Christ as Christ is in every person for indeed, he is! And this Imago Dei is in every person no matter who they are or where they have come from. Katie explains, "The Imago Dei is at the core of all people, regardless of how much they seem to be in the light or not, though not all live out of their Imago Dei. All people can be used to reveal aspects of who God is, both believers and non-believers alike. The very people we consider to be our enemies can reflect aspects of God that we do not see with our natural eyes.... Some believe that the Imago Dei was destroyed by the Fall and that it is only in being 'born again' that it is restored. This viewpoint sets one up for judgement of others and promotes the 'I/it' or 'us/them' attitude. Jesus himself told us that what we do unto others we do unto him (Matthew 25:40). If we adhere to the idea that only Christians have an Imago Dei, then we will have a tendency to look at others for what they are not rather than who they are. We will not see how they might have something to offer us. This judgement is often not only toward those outside the Church, but also within."

If we truly do believe scripture when it says all people were created in the image of God, then we need to love every person on this earth, past, present, and future, no matter how much chocolate their peanut is covered up with, including ourselves. Each person is a unique expression of God and we need to look for the good and the light inside them. Even if they have a hard time seeing past their own chocolate and their shame, as we live out of our own Imago Deis, we can help them see theirs. We can hold up a divine mirror and help others see the treasured gem of God they are. I will be the first to admit this can be easier at times more than others but I also know it is always rewarding, even if not easy. But we are called to share God's love and how can we do that if we do not try to see through his eyes?

Between the candy coated shell, our chocolate, and our peanuts, there are many ways to relate to each other. The "safe relationship" is when we interact with our candy coated shells firmly in place, our "false selves" wearing the masks of who we want to present to the world. The false self wants to maintain the status quo, protect itself, and not have anyone ever see their chocolate. However, by living out of the false self, God's image is rarely ever seen. We all have such relationships in our lives, some churches are full of them. We aren't real with each other, either with our shame or who God created us to be. Of the false self, Katie says, "The mantra of shallow False-Self relationships is "don't rock the boat." We may even pride ourselves on how tolerant we can be in accepting other people's differences, yet we are blind to who the person really is at the core. Looking we do not see, listening we do not hear." She goes on to tell us, "Our False-Self is not capable of Agape love, or Christ-like love. It can do loving things, but not love in the way that God loves. The harsh truth is that whenever we look at someone with contempt or hatred, we are not operating out of the Imago Dei.... We can only know ourselves or others to the degree that we function out of the Imago Dei within us."

When explaining how the false self operates in closer relationships, Katie tells us, "The more intimate our relationships, the more our False Self begins to break down in that relationship. Unfortunately, that does not necessarily mean that we operate our of the Imago Dei. On the contrary, it is where we can often be the most dangerous because we no longer show the pretenses of the False Self. This "honor" we usually reserve for those we presume to love the most. Those closest to us will have opportunity to see the places where the chocolate is leaking out from underneath our False Self."

When two people operate out of their chocolate, our "wounded selves", it's like two people with sunburns bumping up against each other. No matter where they touch, it's going to hurt. This can be a very dangerous and explosive type of relationship. Their issues are at the forefront, everything said touches on a much deeper issue. For example one spouse might say to another over some dishes left in the sink, "You never help clean up around here!" That is the wounded self. Another example is when a child spills a glass of milk at dinner and the parent beats them in a back room as punishment. That is the wounded self too. This is not the true self God created us to be but it is the self many of us operate out of.

Another dangerous relationship is when one person is living out of their false self and the other out of the wounded self. This often happens when there is a power differential in a relationship, when it is a one-up and one-down way of relating. Katie explains, "The greater the power differential, the greater the likelihood that the relationship will be dangerous. Power itself is not good or bad. It is neutral, but can be used for good or evil. In linear relationships, power will invariably be used for self-serving purposes. In this type of False-Self-to-Wounded-Self relationship one may be a burn victim, but the other is a porcupine, forever shooting it's dangerous quills. Abusive relationships operate in this manner, whether the quills come from the tongue, the fist, attitudes, or behaviours. The person in the one-up position projects his/her shame onto the person in the one-down position as a means of self-preservation."

Here is a diagram illustrating the different types of relationships we've just discussed. (Click on picture for larger image.)



Tomorrow I will talk about living out of our Imago Deis in relationship with one another. For now, think about movies you've seen or people you know and come up with examples of people living out of their false-self, wounded-self, and their Imago Dei. What does it look like when these people interact? When have you seen yourself living out of each of these areas? What were those experiences like? Share your answers with God or write a comment below. (God reads this blog too.)

*Quotes and diagram taken from Living in the Intersection by Catherine Skurja. Used with permission.

The Peanut M&M - Submission Part 2

Today we're going to start with dessert. Namely, peanut m&ms. Amazingly enough, they will explain why I believe everyone, no matter what their beliefs, has God's presence within them. (Let's pause here as I thank God for letting me live in a time when I would not be burned at the stake for saying this, though Deanna says I would be persecuted no matter when I lived for one reason or another because I "keep running my mouth".)

For those who don't know what peanut m&ms are, picture a peanut covered in chocolate with a hard candy colored shell.

The peanut inside the m&m is the unique image of God we have inside each of us, the reflection of him, his spirit inside us. He made us each in his image and no matter who we are, we all have that core of divinity, of eternity, glowing inside us. It is a light of priceless worth. It is who we truly are.

The chocolate covering the peanut is all the crap and shame in our lives, it's those nasty places we don't like showing to others, the hard things to admit, to talk about, to be open with. It's the things about us and about our past we are ashamed of and want to hide away. It's the sludge we swim in, our unhealthy places full of the things we haven't worked through.

The hard candy shell is the mask we put over ourselves to hide our shame. It's the smile that doesn't light up or eyes, the scowl, the anger, the pretend face. It's who we present to the world so they don't know what is going on under the surface. Different people choose different masks, different shells, even religiosity can be a shell.

Everyone has all three things in our lives: the peanut, the chocolate, and the shell. We are each a peanut m&m.

So why is this important? Picture someone with a hard candy shell, someone you know who has such a thick exterior, it's hard to get to know them. Or picture someone you know who has a reaction to something disproportional to the question or issue brought up. Perhaps it's a topic they get particularly angry about, or you ask a simple question and they get really mad or go hide away. Now picture someone who you can clearly see God's image in. The first person, the one with the thick exterior is hard to get to know, hard to really talk to. The one with the disproportional response is also hard to be in relationship with as you never know what will set them off. The third though, the one in whom you can see God's image, is someone you can trust, someone who brings delight to life.

Here are illustrations for each person on how their peanut m&m might look.

Hard to get to know:

Disproportional reactions:

In this case, you touch a crack in their shell and get their "chocolate".
In this one, the person is all nerves, they don't have much protective shell at all and are thus, very sensitive.

Easy to see God within them:

In my own life, my candy hard shell was my silence. As the shame and crap in my life grew, I became quiet and retreated. I stopped putting myself out there and taking risks. As I've worked through my chocolate and shell, my voice got louder, stronger, and I accepted the power I have inherent within me. I learned and am definitely still learning to live out of my peanut. One of my chocolate pieces, a reaction I did not expect to be as angry as it was, was when this issue of submission came up. Knowing how powerful working through some of my other chocolate has been, I want to face this dark matter and find the peanut, the image of God underneath.

This is the challenge for each of us: to work through our shell and chocolate so we can live out of our peanuts. Be patient with yourself and others as they do this. Everyone has their own pace, everyone has their own path they must take. For example, the shell should be dismantled piece by piece, it has been a protection up to this point. If too much comes off at once, it leaves raw nerves and exposed vulnerability way too soon before the person can handle working through their shame. The chocolate needs gentle yet firm hands to help sort through things with the acknowledgement that none of the chocolate is God's truth. However, God takes the chocolate and makes it into something beautiful and pure but we have to turn over the chocolate into his loving hands first. We have to be willing to face it head on, to take a steady look, acknowledge our chocolate before we can work through it. You have to let the chocolate go. The chocolate is not your Imago Dei (Latin for Image of God). The shell and chocolate is not who you are. Your peanut is who you are. Your peanut is the person God made you to be. Live out of your peanut. After all, God loves nuts.

This is a song I love that speaks to so many of these truths:




(Thanks to Deanna who sacrificed several of her peanut m&ms to be pictured for this post.)