Try Again

I went to Ecclessia tonight (church) instead of staying home for a good cry. It was a hard night and I was upset and frustrated over something I have struggled with for nearly half a year and tonight I was an inch away from my breaking point. Deciding that I was too emotional to talk about it at the moment I was with that person, I went home, pushed back my tears, and went to church.

Now, to be quite frank, the last few weeks have been hard for me. (Thus, the fewer posts.) I've had a lot on my mind and have not been taking the time to refill and renew myself. So, I grant you, I've been near tears many times lately. One of those times in my life, which I am sure you are all familiar with, when the water drips, drips, drips in our bucket and I haven't turned it over to dump it out, it just keeps spilling over. So tonight was the needle that nearly broke the camel's back.

Going into church, I see one of the large and comfortable armchairs is still available so I kick off my shoes and relax into that. Jordan starts off the teaching portion (I usually miss the singing due to always coming after tap class) by talking about the book of Ephesians. It is our first week on this book study and he explains to us how you wouldn't examine the details of a movie until you've seen it all the way through. So we were going to read Ephesians all the way through tonight as if we were hearing it from the perspective of the people to whom it was written. He explained the background of what the church was struggling with in their city and their relationship with Paul. He then explained they didn't have Bibles so we were to close ours. They also wouldn't have been sitting in chairs, they would have stood or sat on the floor in respect and humbleness to hear Paul's words so we all moved to the floor or stood. Jordan then opened up "The Message" as the original language of the letter was everyday Greek and "The Message" is everyday English, and read to us the letter from Paul in its entirety. Hearing it like that, any Bible book like that, was a first for me and I loved it. It reminded me of Jewish midrash, a way to digest God's word to his people that I also love. The words were comforting, challenging, intriguing, and thought-provoking. Many things stood out to me like the image of God pouring his grace and peace into me, abundant freedom, and that we are each meant to do what we were given to do by God. We talked afterward about what stuck out to us, what feelings the letter invoked, and what hit home.

Around this time, Taylor, age 3, had joined me on the floor with paper and pen in hand. While we discussed the book of Ephesians, Taylor and I outlined each other's feet and hands. According to Taylor, my hands and feet are quite large. She then told me we were going to draw a farm on one side of the paper. I had already drawn a pig and was following her instructions to draw a cow as she didn't know how. She instructed me to draw the legs and then while watching my attempt, she looked at me sympathetically and stated very matter-of-factly, "I'll do it." After adding some to the picture, she then handed the pen back to me and watched me draw another leg with another look of sympathy and another patient "I'll do it." I admit, the cow did look more like a dog which she pointed out to me by telling me, "That doesn't look like a cow." I agreed, it didn't. She then handed me the pen again and said, "Try again." This time I drew the face from the front and added horns, rather like the buffalo from the safari. I explained to her what those were and while she didn't tell me it looked like a cow, she didn't say it looked like a dog either so I took that as a sign I had passed, for now.

Sometimes I think God says the same thing. He looks at our drawings, adds some lines of his own and then kindly tells us to try again. No judgement, no criticism, just the gentle yet firm invitation to "try again." Paul told the Ephesians to keep trying, he encouraged them with God's peace and grace when times were tough. Listening to his words, I could feel his comfort, like lavishing lavender lotion on my dry skin. I felt God near, him calling in my heart.

I've seen Taylor have a tough time listening and struggling to obey. I've seen her upset and have to sit down until she was ready to listen again. But then she always gets up and tries again. She keeps playing and talking with us. She delights in our company, she is present. When our discussion was finished, some of the group played two songs while we sang and took communion. Taylor danced.

Sometimes God speaks to us from a letter written 2,000 years ago and sometimes he speaks to us through a little girl handing us a pen and telling us to "try again." Either way, both ways, they were the words I needed to hear tonight. They hit home. So tomorrow, I am going to try again. As I overheard Kim say today, things will work out. You have to live today and enjoy it for the gift it is. And if it's a tough day, if it's a day when your bucket is full and you want to cry, God is still telling you that you can always try again tomorrow. Solutions will come, problems won't seem so big and you can find a new perspective. Try again. What a gift of grace.