Pumpkin obtained. (See below post.) Now I'll have something to drum on during our Halloween party at tap dancing class tomorrow.
I'm not going to write much more tonight, more tomorrow, but I did want to tell you a bit about the truths I learnd. I think the biggest thing I learned is God respects who we are, our thoughts, feelings, and choices. He respects what we've been through and he values who we are as a person. For someone who didn't have good boundaries, this was huge for me. So many songs I hear on the Christian radio stations talks about "More of you and less of me." I don't think this kind of sacrificial faith is what God wants. He created us, he doesn't want us to throw that away! He wants us to live out the person he created us to be. One of my favorite quotes, I've seen it several places, goes something along the lines of, "God is not going to meet me in Heaven and ask me, 'Sarah, why we're you not more like Mary?' He is going to instead ask, 'Sarah, why were you not more like Sarah?'" If he respects us and who we are, do you think he is going to decide on a plan for our life and not tell us, to make us seek after it like a needle in a haystack, not sure if we will ever actually find it?
I do believe God knows everything that ever has and ever will happen. He is outside of time and knows it all. However, knowing it doesn't mean he is the only one that writes it. I believe he enjoys writing our lives with us, that we make choices too on what we want and what we do. I believe sometimes when we come to him asking his will, he turns the question back on us, "I don't know, what would you like to do?" He wants to hear our desires. He wants to know us and I think even more than that, he wants us to want him to know us. Having a relationship with us is God's priority. And that can be a screaming, yelling, temper tantrum relationship and that's okay. That doesn't seem to bother him. Believe, I know. He doesn't want a bunch of pupets around him, God wants people.
I make choices that influence my life and God makes choices that influence my life. And here is something, our choices in no way affect God's ability to work in the world. If God wants something done, it's going to get done. Our choices are not going to stop it. We must not neglect the choices we know are right, helping our neighbor, loving those around us, but at the same time, we cannot berate ourselves forever for a missed "opportunity."
Having said that, God makes choices for our life too. But the things I look back and say, "Yes, this was definately of God," either happened in one of two ways. Neither of those ways is me praying and "searching for his will." The first is when I fall into something before I even know it began. Sometimes God brings something into our lives quietly, gently, without our knowing how important it's going to be later on. The other is when his choice for me came through like a mack truck on a hiking trail. Couldn't have missed it if I tried. Even when I've said, "No, I don't want to," he comes back with it again and again until I say yes. I eventually do follow along and later, can see how unbelievably much his choice affected me as a person and the way life has unfolded.
It's like having the best of both worlds. If he knows something is going to be really important, he'll keep bringing it up or slide it in before I know it is there. But he also enjoys my choices and I learn respect for myself through his belief in me. I am learning the give and take of this relationship, the one at the core of myself. I have to admit, sometimes I ask God, is this what you wanted for my life or is there something else I've missed? But when I ask that, it is usually because I am looking for some big career with prestige. I realize this and remember that is not what God is about. I think of the life I live, what I get to do, the people's lives I am lucky enough to touch and I think, "Ah yes, this is where the good stuff is. This is where I belong."
More thoughts tomorrow, and hopefully some organization :o), for now, I need to get to bed and hope I get up on time in the morning for work. ;o)Labels: God