When I was in my early 20's, I felt like such an adult when I went grocery shopping. There I was, pushing my own cart, making my own food decisions, and paying with my own money. Now, there is still a hint of that, but now grocery shopping has become become a pretty normal thing to do. Then today, I had a new experience of being a grownup and it surprised me. I went to the dentist. Though I grew up going to see my dentist every six months along with my mother and sisters, most of my 20's has been dentist free. It is not for fear of the dentist I have not seen him, he was always friendly and kind. It was simply because I could not afford to go. Every few years I might scrounge up the money for some kind of examination. I can clearly remember two appointments but there might have been some more in my early college years. The last one was three years ago, a realization that surprised me most of all. But now, I have a permanent job with great health insurance, including dental. So, I made the appointment with my childhood dentist who is still in practice, and went down there today for my exam and cleaning. I think it was that it was the first time I went there as an adult without my family. General memories came back everywhere I went in that office. I remember how I used to feel, the things I saw, feelings, pictures, it was like seeing through a window of time. Many of the staff were still there and remembered me. I told them how I was doing, found out my mother still goes there. The things they put in my mouth for the x-ray still hurt as I sat in that same chair under that leaden cover. There are no more rubics cubes or little water games like there were in the 80's but they did like my nose ring and streaks of blond hair. When I was finished, (cavity-free folks!), I asked if they still had the "treasure chest". Deborah, the hygenist, assured me they did and asked me if I would like to go pick something out since I was good and didn't cry. I picked the hot pink pencil. Sometimes, being grown up just needs to be put aside, to take up being a kid again for long enough to get to that treasure chest.
As I made my next appointment for six months from today, something my mother usually did while I impatiently waited or fought with my sisters, the woman at the desk, who also remembers me well, pulled an old picture of me out of my file. They used to take your picture with a poloroid camera to display on their wall if you had no cavities. She gave it to me as she thought I might like to have it. She said I was so shy and I laughed and said, "Not annymore!" Thinking about it though, I think the shyness was mostly fear. Once I realized I had nothing to fear, the shyness just melted away and revealed someone who is, well, me. The picture was taken the summer right before I started high school and I look so sad. There is a hint of a smile but it is not a happy smile. I told the woman I wish I could go back and talk to that girl to encourage her and perhaps give her a glimpse of the light to come, that all is not dark. I wish could tell her that joy comes in the morning and to hold on for it. Apparently though, someone did tell her to hold on. I don't know who it was, probably several people but I think God told her that most of all. I'm so glad He did for I would have never gotten that really cool hot pink pencil out of the treasure chest and gotten to know what it feels like to be an adult all over again.
On the drive back to work, I felt like I had turned around at last and was at the beginning of the rest of my life. It feels so good to finally be looking fully into the future without trying to glance back at my past. I will be thinking about this change in the days to come I am sure, as I brush my teeth, floss every day, and play with my new hot pink pencil. I am so grown up.