I really appreciated this comment on Wess's blog by Makeesha and want to repost it here.
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This is an issue of “big feelings” for me. So hopefully I won’t get too crazy in my response. First, modesty is a good value IN SO FAR AS IT GOES. But too often, esp. in the christian world, we try to define what that means in specific terms without understanding and communicating that the specifics are societal.
And even worse, we promote modesty from the wrong angle. It becomes about the man instead of being about the woman. It becomes about acceptance from God based on what a woman wears. In other words, I should dress modestly because my body creates some sort of temptation. My body isn’t about me, my body is about the man, about society. It’s an object to be controlled and preached about from the pulpit. My body is scary and shameful because it causes others to sin. My breasts aren’t beautiful creations that have 2 purposes of sexual pleasure and providing food and bonding for my progeny - they are temptations. My shape is to be veiled because it’s bad, because it causes my brothers to stumble. I am the object. I am the sin. I am the receiver. These are the messages the church sends when dealing with this issue. Regardless of the intent, this is what many many women hear - for some, it creates shame that causes the woman to hide away, to cover, to follow the rules - for others it creates a shame that causes the woman to seek validation by uncovering.
I take issue with your friend’s attitude on so many levels but mostly I want to caution you as a mom of daughters quite a bit older than your itty bitty. Do not make this about society or the man. Make this about your daughter and her beautiful body created by God to be enjoyed and cherished. If you lift her up and talk to her about the person she wants to “put out there”, you likely won’t have any problems with issues of “modesty”. If from the beginning you teach her strength and self dignity and identity in Christ and promote healthy boundaries, she will make godly decisions about her own body.
As for “skin in church”, I think it’s a bit silly to be honest. If cleavage is causing the men in your church to have fits in their pants, then you need to be addressing why the men are oversexed, not why the women are showing cleavage. And then you lift up that woman with love and affirmation because it’s what she deserves, not to get her to wear a turtle neck.** note: the “you” is generic"